Gray
by Bluenet13
Summary: Densi with a side of Callen and Sam. 5 part post-ep for "Can I Get A Witness?" (9x06) and now dealing heavily with Deeks' backstory with Tiffany and Boyle. *Spoilers up to 9x06*
1. Chapter 1

_Posting this here is my moment of bravery of the month. I've never written fanfic before but I was having some bad days and needed to unwind, so I decided to write about my favorite show. I hope this is given a chance and someone enjoys reading it as much as I did writing it._ _Also, my native language is Spanish so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. Reviews, good or bad, are welcomed and much appreciated._ _*Just having fun, I don't own anything*_

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The warmth of the shower is exactly what the blonde man needed to relieve his tense muscles and release his pent-up stress. The steam of the water looming over him like the shadows of his sins. Luckily the steam would only remain until he opened the door; unluckily, the shadows will remain until… He didn't want to allow his mind to go there. He had a lot of shadows, a lot of demons and he feared some of them would stay with him until the end of his days.

He blew out a slow breath, turned the water off and stood out of the shower. He couldn't see his face in the mirror but he wondered what would stare back at him if he could.

Would it be the scared eyes of a child who had just been forced to shoot his own father? Or the young man that taken odd jobs on top of school to help his mother keep them both afloat?

Would it be the angry look of the man who shot his ex-partner? Or the young detective that threw self-preservation out the window to help a young woman in need?

Would it be the haunted look of a man who abandoned his morals and tortured a blind cleric? Or the terrified face of a lover who committed the same despicable act previously done to him in order to safe a woman who didn't deserve to die in a faraway land?

For all of those acts it could be argued that he didn't have a choice; his hand was forced and he reacted like anyone would. But in the solitude of his shower he allowed reality to set it. Did he really had no other choice? Or had he allowed the darkness to overtake him, choosing the violent and easy way out?

Seven years ago he almost killed his boss when he got his ex-partner (or was it ex-lover?) killed. And less than a year ago he beat up a fellow officer of the law because his current partner (and, this time, certainly lover) was in the same danger of getting killed.

Was this supposed to be his purpose, his destiny, his calling? A superhero with no cape, adding more skeletons to his closet every time a woman closed to him faced danger?

Some of those skeletons were literal, others figurative, but either way, they represented people he had hurt. And he knew that someday his past will completely catch up to him.

He thought he had escaped his father when the bastard went to jail but apparently he would never be free of his influence. Maybe the darkness was hereditary and he was meant to be just a slightly better version of that man, or maybe it was beat into him when he was a child, through every punch, every kick and every insult he had been forced to take at such a young age.

He could stop everything from being taken away from him by adding more skeletons to that closet; but for that he would have to allow the darkness to take over completely. And would life be worth living then? And, ultimately, when he had been given the chance to escape that past forever he again threw self-preservation out the window and decided to help the same woman that posed the biggest threat to the small happiness he had managed to carve for himself.

Maybe if he could turn back time he would make a different decision, would allow the life to blead out of the woman along with his spoken words and desperate confession. Maybe that would have been the better solution and he wouldn't find himself in his current state.

But, when all was said and done, he had made his choices: at 11 when he put an end to his father's years of terror, as a young detective when he finished a corrupt cop and as a senior officer when he chose the love of his life over the sanity and lightness of his mind. All those decisions made him the man he's today, and those paths led him to his current family and the woman that gives meaning to his life, and all those choices sacrificed a lot of lives but also saved many, those definitely worth more than the ones lost.

His soul had stopped being white at the mere age of 11, it stayed a light color of gray until he decided to become a cop and started adding bodies and darkness to that gray. By the time he killed his ex-partner it was already a dark color of gray. And after that day, it turned forever black. Or that he thought; but then he met a team that started adding back some white and other colors into the mix. A room of lasers, two-bullets to the chest and some reopened stitches, a trip to Romania, one to Afghanistan, one to Russia and a final one to Syria, a drill in his mouth, a young boy in Mexico, a Nepali warrior, and just today, a young man with a familiar tendency to ramble, a stopped attack to his country and the cleared name of his lieutenant. All those moments may seem small in comparison but they constantly added light to his darkness and they would forever keep him a nice shade of gray.

Now he could only hope to outrun the shadows for a little while longer. Until they eventually caught up with him, to envelop him forever. One day he will be really free of them, most likely in a coffin or a cell, but until then he was determined to keep moving forward, keep joking and keep laughing, because those are the only ways he knows to keep the demons at bay.

-x-x-x-

The first thing he noticed as soon as he opened the door back to the bedroom, letting the steam out but the demons always in, was the delicious and slightly greasy smell of "Yummy Yummy Heart Attack". He instantly knew what she was doing as those three Fs from the health department had turned into their personal and, very especial, comfort food. That only meant that she knew how much the day's events had affected him and he felt his heart rate increase at the realization. For the majority of his life he had been alone, his mother the only somewhat constant, but generally he was dependent and responsible only for himself. But now, there was someone else, someone who care and relied on him, someone who more than anyone knew the man behind the mask and someone who could read him like a book. It made his heart full, that the woman he cared so much about, cared for him in return. But it also made him nervous. What if someday she got tired of fighting the shadows with him?

He put on some sweatpants and his favorite hoodie, stared at himself in the mirror (not liking what he saw) and stepped into the living room. The sight that welcomed him made his heart jump, and was the last thing he needed to scare the darkness away, at least for this night. She was lying on the sofa, hair still damp from her shower, food already arranged in the small coffee table, and a movie playing in the background.

"Took you long enough," was her way of greeting him.

"Would have finished faster if someone had told me that my ladybird would be waiting for me, food and dinner included."

Her smile made his heart jump again and he wondered not for the first time, and probably not for the last, how did he managed to get so lucky.

"And it's not any food, I got the Drunken Pigs and everything."

He sat next to her, wrapped her arms around her body and kissed her sweetly on the lips, lingering above her mouth for a bit longer and eventually pressing their foreheads together and breathing in her scent. His own way of saying thank you, not only for the dinner, but for everything she had done for him since that day Jason met Tracy at an MMA gym. She was the light among his darkness, the white among his black, and no words would ever truly express how much that meant to him.

They stayed in the same position for the next few minutes, eventually deciding that their food was getting cold. They ate in silence, glancing at each other once in a while, and smiling when the other caught the staring. She seemed like she wanted to say something, but every time the words were close to getting out, they rushed back in.

After all food and beer were consumed they cleaned the table, and went back to the couch to stare at the TV; both still in silence and minds elsewhere. As it had been many times before, most notably on an ice rink some years ago, she was the brave one and decided to address the elephant in the room.

"What happened today?" her look showed only concern and understanding, and love... oh so much love.

"You know what happened today, you were there," he didn't ever looked up, just muttered the words under his breath.

"The only thing I know is you sent me a text about a meeting in the boatshed and the next thing I know Eric is showing us a video of your truck slamming into a patrol car with your lieutenant, who at the time happened to be a suspect for murder, sitting in the passenger side."

"I'm sorry, everything happened so fast and there was no time to explain;" she hated his uncertain and scared look, and wished he knew she wasn't judging him.

"I know baby, I just want to understand, I'm not blaming you," she was quick to reassure him and based on the sad look on his face he wasn't really getting her point.

"But it is all my fault," again the words were muttered under his breath as he continued to avoid looking her directly in the eyes.

"Baby, look at me," he ignored her request so she just grabbed his hands, pulling his body to hers, holding him close. Sometimes actions spoke a lot more than words.

"Thank you…"

She didn't know what to say, how to help him, she wanted to reassure him, and if she was honest to herself she also needed him to reassure her. Nearly three years ago, they have both agreed to go "All in" and right now they both needed the reminder.

"I don't blame you, and I don't judge you, I just need you to understand and remember what we agreed to three years ago in that ice rink."

"All in," he said, with his head still on her shoulder, and now with this eyes closed.

"All in," she repeated, as strongly and confidently as she did all those years ago, when a simple thing turned into the greatest thing in both their lives.

Two broken individuals who found peace and acceptance in each other; whose jagged pieces and darkened corners formed the perfect puzzle… The perfect picture.

"When I met with Whiting in the boatshed this morning, she showed me the video of Bates and asked for my help in bringing him in," he volunteered this time on his own.

"And you just accepted?" She sensed there was more to the story but didn't want to press him too much, this was not an interrogation, just two lovers having an honest conversation.

"Well, she might have mentioned my confession…"

"Deeks, tell me what happened, we promised no more secrets," she pushed a bit harder, knowing him well; thus, being sure he wouldn't offer the whole truth on his own.

"She said she would tell everyone about Boyle if I declined to help…" she was about to cut him off, with what looked like a less than pleasant remark so he quickly continued "…but at the end of the day we met again at the boatshed, she said I did good work today and that she liked me."

"Are you looking for validation now from the same detective that arrested you twice, and is currently blackmailing you?" She was starting to get pissed off, and an angry Kensi was a force to be reckoned with.

"That's not what I meant Kensalina, I don't think she wants to burn me, at the very least she respects my work and what I do for the force," he tried to explain, without letting too much hope overtake him as he wasn't completely sure of his own words.

"So is it over?" she asked hesitantly.

"It is for now… She said she wished she could promise this was the end of it, but that she couldn't, she asked for me to understand, and, honestly, I do."

"So this can go on forever? What if her next request really puts you in danger, and what if you're on your own for it? Today we were there, but what if the next time we are not." Her level of concern was increasing now as she imagined Deeks working again for the LAPD, and without her or the boys for backup.

"Kens… we put ourselves in danger every day, it's the nature of our jobs and the life we chose," he wished he could reassure her more, but the reality was that their lives would always be in danger for as long as they continued in law enforcement, and maybe afterwards too, as they all have accumulated a lot of enemies over the years.

"How can you be so okay with this?" She figured he wasn't and was only saying those things for her so she tried to push him to be honest for both their sakes.

"It's not a lie that we put ourselves in danger every day, it is the life we chose when we said our oaths and entered the world of law enforcement… Everyday people shot at us, we are caught in explosions, we face the worst humanity has to offer, and we put our lives on the line for those who can't do it for themselves. If whatever Whiting asks next, puts myself in danger, it wouldn't be any different than what we face every day at NCIS. Yes, maybe I won't have you at my side, or the guys covering our backs, or the Wonder Twins as our brains, but that's the price I have to pay for the mistakes of my past… And at least I'm being allowed to pay it on the outside, and with our future still open to our own choices. I could be living in the inside of a cell, so it could really be worse…" He wanted to say more, wanted to promise that everything would be alright, but sadly he couldn't, so he decided to stick to the truth. Because he truly believed what was happening now was the way the world had of charging him for the mistakes of his past and the times he had allowed the darkness to take over.

She wanted to point something out, to signal the flaw in his explanation, but he made a compelling argument and she found herself speechless.

They returned to their previous position, foreheads resting together, holding each other like they had done in the past, during both their darkest times, after an unfortunate encounter with a Russian and an equally nightmarish experience in an Afghan cave. And just like on those occasions the darkness would pass, and the day would bright shiner tomorrow. That as long as they stayed together, always continuing to hold each other.

"You are right," she said after a while, "and whatever happens next, we will face it together."

He smiled and thanked whoever was listening for the amazing woman at his side.

"Let's go to bed baby, tomorrow will be another long day of saving the planet and the only certainty we have if we will do it together," he stood up, pulling her along with him, they turned ther TV off and went into their bedroom.

When the door closed all the shadows were not pushed back, they still lurked in the darkest corners of their minds; but together they would and could face anything. He thought the current situation was his cross to bear, the punishment he deserved for his past sins. And maybe he was right, because the world, apparently, had an ironic way or working, and no matter all the good you did, your past mistakes will still catch up to you, and the times you saved the world wouldn't balance the times you let your inherent darkness win. For her part, even if he believed he deserved his current predicament, she was determined to never let him go into battle alone. And to, one day, finally make him understand that all in, meant all in, and she would always be there to chase his demons away, because, truthfully, they all had their own demons to fight.

-x-x-x-

The next morning came sooner than either of them wanted and after last night's conversation they both felt emotionally drained.

He woke up earlier than her and, and after putting on some shorts and grabbing his board made his way to his favorite beach for a morning surf. The warm shower and, more importantly, his dinner and conversation with his girlfriend had provided a much-needed relieve. But the ocean would always be his ultimate savior, and today was no different, as the slow rocking of the waves, the salt of the water and the rays of the sun on his face, made him feel at peace for the first time since reading Whiting's text the previous morning.

He only stayed on the water for around 40 minutes as he wanted to get home before his princess woke up. He picked up some coffee and donuts at their favorite bakery and made his way back to their home. By the time he walked to the front door, she was only beginning to stir awake and the first thing she noticed was the coldness of the sheets beside her. But, just then she smelled the coffee and the sweetness of her favorite pastries and quickly made her way into the kitchen.

"Good morning Sunshine," he said with his trademark smile and she was grateful to see him in a better mood. His hair was still wet and she again thanked the gods for the fact they lived in Los Angeles allowing him to escape to the ocean whenever he was nearing his breaking point. A long time ago she had understood that surfing and the water would give him a sense of comfort and security that she never would; at first she tried to compete against it, but then she realized that his relationship with the ocean was personal and, most importantly, it was one of the long-lasting relationships in his life.

He had one day told her the story of how he started surfing when he was a lost child, trying to escape from the abuse of his father and the helplessness he felt at home. At a time when he was constantly pushed down by the man who was meant to protect him, and when we was forced to see the woman that he was supposed to protect beaten down by that same man, the ocean had been his only comfort; and because of that it would always be his ultimate safe place. One that now he constantly shared with her, taking her surfing together, driving along the coast or just simply by telling her stories, and that was the greatest example of his love and devotion for her. The ocean would always be his safe haven, but she would always be his reason for even fighting to make it to that safe haven.

He was not surprised to see her ignoring his words and going straight for the pastries, but he could see the wheels turning in her head and knew she was deep in thought. After she was done devouring three donuts and inhaling her coffee she turned to him with a smile and made her way into his arms, her favorite place in the world. They hugged for a while, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears before making their way together for a shower. After all it was important to save water, or that's the excuse they told themselves.

One hour later, and 35 minutes late for work they quietly walked inside the mission, trying not to draw any attention to themselves. But the knowing smirks of their fellow team members was all indication they needed to realize that their entrance had definitely been noticed.

"Hey Sam, what do you think happened this morning to make our junior partners be late to work?" Callen asked his partner with a full on grin on his face.

Sam was about to respond with an equally teasing remark but quickly changed his mind when he saw the way both junior team members were glowing, and Deeks' trademark smirk as if he was already set with a smartass response, "I don't even want to know G, and I recommend you shouldn't either."

Kensi and Deeks made their way into their respective desks without acknowledging their co-workers but not without throwing each other a last smile and knowing look, both remembering their morning's adventure in the shower.

Callen and Sam didn't notice the look or maybe, smartly, decided to ignore it. They all worked in silence for a while, all trying to catch up on overdue paperwork and more importantly trying to avoid Mosley's wrath. They thought Hetty was harsh, but at least she understood and had their backs against the world; but none of them were prepared to be forced to work under someone like Mosley, especially with no Hetty or Owen to interfere.

When it was close to lunch time and the Wonder Twins were still in their cave, Eric not having interrupted with whatever weird instrument he managed to get his hands on that day, they decided to go have a team lunch at one of their favorite food trucks.

At first Sam wanted to stay and keep working on his paperwork but Callen knowing his brother and aware of how much the man was still struggling with Michelle's death pushed him to go with them, as it had been a while since they had eaten together out of the office.

They took the Challenger to allow Sam his much needed and appreciated feeling of control and 25 minutes later found themselves sitting on a picnic table overlooking the ocean, eating some tacos and enjoying the sea breeze.

"So... Big man how's the boat coming along, could we help somehow?" Deeks asked trying to cheer up the still occasionally sulking team member.

"Thanks brother, I would be moving faster if my lazy ass of a partner would actually help. But every night he just brings beer and ends up distracting me from doing work," Sam mockingly glared at Callen as he said it, both knowing full well that he appreciated the nights of drinking and distraction his partner provided, and understanding that their busy schedule left them feeling exhausted at the end of the day.

"We can always all work on it during the weekend if you want," Kensi added, supporting her boyfriend's offer.

"Thanks Kens, but I'm sure you and surfer boy over here have much better things to do than work on a boat with us," Sam said while ruffling Deeks' disheveled locks.

Deeks instantly pushed Sam's hand away and mumbled something about personal space and inappropriate touching. When Sam didn't stop he said something about how Kensi was the only one allowed to touch him there, and in other places as well, successfully silencing any remark from Sam and discouraging any further contact.

They continued to eat their tacos, drink their sodas and tease each other for the rest of their meal, and for at least that small while it felt like everything was back to normal and the world was properly spinning again.

Once they were back in the car, Callen figured that this was the perfect moment to breach what he knew would become a delicate subject, especially considering the junior team members were sitting in the back and couldn't jump out to avoid the upcoming conversation.

"So Deeks… I've been meaning to ask you…" Deeks breath caught in his throat as he knew what was coming. "…About what happened yesterday, Whiting mentioned an arrangement…" Callen stopped to allow the other man to volunteer information on his own, but was already prepared to push if need be. After all, he still is the leader of the team and he needed to know what was going on with this team members.

Deeks looked at the window, not for the first time wishing that he could more easily escape the confines of the Challenger's back seat. Now he understood why they had insisted on taking only one car, when usually each set of partners just drove their own.

Callen patiently waited for Deeks to respond but when it became evident he wouldn't, the team leader turned around to stare his team member down. Sam joined in the pressure by clearing his throat loudly drawing the younger man's attention back to the car and the present conversation and away from the passing ocean and killer waves.

"Do we really want to have this conversation now?" Deeks still tried to get out of this talk; he first thought of using his trademark humor, but his heart wasn't in it and he was sure the senior team members wouldn't appreciate it.

"We really do," Callen responded without an ounce of hesitance in his voice.

Kensi slipped her hand into Deeks' and squeezed slightly, letting him know that he was not alone and she would have his back, for this conversation and whatever came next.

"It's nothing to worry about…" Deeks tried to be vague about it, but the senior partners continued to stare him down through the rear view mirror.

"Does this have anything to do with the internal affairs investigation you were involved in before?" This time Sam asked the question, and by the tone of his voice and overall demeanor Deeks had the sinking feeling that the older man already knew the answer and was only looking for confirmation. After all, if Kensi was really able to figure it out on her own, what would stop the two most experience operatives of their team to also figure it out.

"Maybe… A little… I can't really talk about it… Classified."

"Don't give us that classified crap man, we're part of the same team, we're supposed to have each other's back no matter what, and h…" Before Sam could continue G interrupted and continued his thoughts as if spoken by the same man, "How can we protect either of you if we don't even know what's going on?"

"Cute, completing each other sentences. What level of bromance is that Kensalina?"

"Deeks…" Sam's voice reminded him of his early days in the team, and he knew he was really pissing off the former Navy Seal.

"Come on brother, we don't have to talk about it. This doesn't involve Kensi or either of you for that matter, not even NCIS. This is my problem, my arrangement and my relationship with the LAPD... ultimately this is my mis…" Deeks stopped abruptly realizing what he was about to say.

He turned again to stare out the window, hoping he was out there in the ocean, riding a sick wave and not in this car being interrogated by his own team. But deep down he understood things were not as they were when he first joined the team. He may still not be an agent, and he wasn't sure if he ever would, but he hadn't been the temp in a long time; he was still like the younger brother they constantly teased, but he also felt respected and appreciated and he knew their questioning came from caring so he decided to keep going with his preceding train of thought.

"This is me paying for my mistakes and the only thing I can promise is that I won't bring any of you down with me."

Callen and Sam stared at each other, both of them silently wondering if the younger man had meant to volunteer so much, because if he had, he just practically confessed to the question they have been asking themselves for the past 2 years.

Callen decided this was the time to be a team leader and sometimes knowing when to let go was exactly what the team leader needed to do. "Okay brother, just know that we are always here for whatever you need, and we both [he said pointed at himself and Sam] hope one day you trust us enough to let us in."

Sam decided to add his two cents as well, but this time addressed the female agent, "Kens, I take it by your silence that you already know what's going on, just know that even though we are two partnerships, we will always be a team of four, six if you count the Wonder Times, and no matter what, we will always have both your backs, just as you both have had ours for many years now." Sam took advantage of the last traffic light before the mission and turned to look Deeks pointedly in the eyes. They silently communicated and for a brief moment both men flashed back to a dirty auto shop, and the chairs they had been tied to. Sam's look told the younger man everything he needed to know and he was sure that if the time came the senior agents would have his back fearlessly, just as his partner always had.

The rest of the drive was made in silence. Both senior partners still thinking how to get the man they now saw as a younger brother to fully trust them, so when the time came, they could truly protect him. The female agent trying to believe in his reassurances and praying to anyone willing to listen that he wouldn't be taken away from her; and for a mistake he made years ago, especially when said mistake came from a noble intention and went towards a worthy cause. And the blonde detective, in that moment, making the decision that sometime soon he would invite the guys for some beers and let them in the whole truth; if they were willing to have his back, they at least deserved to know what they were protecting him from. And, if they then decided they couldn't work with him anymore, or couldn't agree to lie for him, he would silently take it as another part of his punishment. But until that became reality, they would keep adding white to his darkness, and he would just keep feeling infinitely grateful that in NCIS he managed to find the family he always wanted but thought he never deserved...

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 _Maybe I will continue writing other stories, or maybe this will be a one-time thing; anyhow thanks a lot for reading, I hope the journey wasn't too bad and someone got to enjoy it :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_I originally intended for "Gray" to only be a post-ep one-shot, and maybe my only story; but I enjoyed writing it too much to stop so soon, and the reviews it got inspired me to keep going. So, I decided to continue and add two more chapters. This one is the transition between chapter 1 and Deeks' conversation with the boys that will happen in the third and final chapter. I appreciate anyone that keeps giving this little excursion into the world of writing fanfiction a chance, and really hope you like it. Again, reviews, good or bad, are much welcomed. *I don't own anything, I'm just showing my love for my favorite show.*_

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Every morning the blonde man woke up full of strength and courage that this will finally be the day he opened up about his past; but with each mile he got closer to the mission his conviction wavered. Every night he promised to himself that the next day would be THE DAY. When he would tell the guys all the truths about his past sins, when he would share his darkness, vanquish his shadows and hopefully slay his demons.

And this morning… Was no different…

He woke up ready to face the music, feeling confident and on top of the world, or at least on top of this emotions. But… By the time he took a shower, he thought about the guys' reactions to problems concerning him in the past… By the time he ate his breakfast, he remembered the way he was treated at LAPD… By the time he got into the car, he recalled the face of his father telling him he would never be good enough and how he was destined to always be alone. Ultimately, by the time he got to the mission, all his courage was gone and he was left feeling unsure and alone, even with his princess by his side. Sometimes love didn't conquer all, and sometimes the shadows were stronger.

His night was no different… After a moderately okay day at work he left the mission with his ladybird at his side around 6 in the afternoon. They decided to have dinner on the beach for a change, as usually those escapades happened only on the weekends. Their dinner was quite, both looking at the ocean and lost in their own heads. She knew something was wrong but wasn't sure how to address it, and thought that sometimes space was the best medicine. Going back to his night, it really was no different. He again promised himself that the next would be the day, time to man up and stop sulking in silence. He went to bed full of strength, closed his eyes full of courage and lost consciousness full of hope.

His first thought as he opened his eyes the next morning was today… won't be the day. His demons had visited him during the night, and had selfishly stolen all his newfound positive feelings away. This morning at least he didn't fool himself: he took a shower, ate his breakfast and got to the car full knowing today wouldn't be the day. Maybe his father was right, and he had been a coward all along. He wasn't a superhero with no cape, he was not a knight, he was not a king, he wasn't even an agent…

By the time they got to the mission the woman with the mismatched eyes couldn't take it anymore, she knew he was hurting, she knew he was in pain, and more importantly, she knew he needed help. He needed her help. But right now was not the time, they had to get through the day… together (hopefully like every day in their joined future), but tonight they would talk. She could already picture him blowing her concern off, trying to joke his way out of opening up and attempting to use his charm to get her to stop pushing. But she was determined to be his savior; she had promised to never let him go into battle alone, and today was her opportunity to prove it.

They left the office around 7 this time, and he tried convincing her to have dinner at the beach again. Any excuse to visit the ocean, after all that would always be his safe haven. Now she fought an inner battle: she knew they needed to talk, in private preferably, given the delicate subject and potential for disaster of the conversation; but she also knew he needed the comfort the ocean provided.

Maybe if they had the conversation near the water he would react better when she breached the subject?

She ended up accepting, but proposed to change the chosen beach for one she knew was more deserted at night. Of course she didn't tell him that, to him, she only said she needed the change. He suspected something was up, but maybe he was just being paranoid, and he didn't like to deny her anything, so he ended up relenting.

By the time they had their food and she was pulling him towards the loneliest picnic table on the boardwalk, he definitely knew something was up. But it was already too late: the cards had been dealt, the battlefield had been prepared and his execution was set. At least that's how he felt. He wasn't sure what was coming, but he had a feeling it had something to do with the events that transpired a few days ago. And he wasn't ready to face the music.

They ate their food in silence, both enjoying the comfort the sea breeze provided and silently preparing for the conversation that would follow. When the plates were cleared and the table was cleaned he made a move to stand up, but she grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down onto the bench.

She took the deepest breath she ever remember taking, grabbed both of his hands, and look at him directly in the eyes.

He drew in the longest breath he ever remember taking, closed both his fists, and look directly at the ground.

Years ago she would have been offended by his reaction, but now, after all the things they had been through together, she took it for what it was: sadness, insecurity, and fear, so much fear.

She again took a deep breath, trying to breathe in all the courage that had been instilled in her by her father and all the years as an agent. With the sweetest voice she could muster she finally spoke the words that needed to be said, "Baby… what's going on? You have been acting strange for days now, and I know it has to do with what happened with Whiting and Bates…"

"…Or maybe it is about Boyle…" At his silence she decided to keep going with what really was in her mind and what she really believed was the problem, or at least where the problem really had its roots.

At the mention of that name, he gasped as if physically punched. He closed his eyes and felt the walls closing on him. The cards were on his hand, the soldiers were in the battlefield and the ax was raised above his head.

She took in his reaction and knew that her arrow had hit its mark. Now she needed to wait, give him time to compose himself, and hope for a voluntary response. If not she knew she had to push him, or he wasn't going to lose this battle against Whiting, or Bates but to the ghost of Boyle and himself.

Boyle… Boyle… Boyle…

The name echoed in his end as he struggled to breathe. He thought he was over what happened that night, it was a skeleton buried deep down in his closet, but skeletons had a way of crawling out during the worst possible times. And this particular skeleton was carrying with him a baggage of other equally terrifying memories.

A punch to the face, a kick to the ribs, and another, and another… A familiar bastard… A scream, more screams, his mother crying… A shotgun… A bang… Running, a door, his bed… A gun… Another bang… Blood… More screams… Red and Blue flashing lights… More screams… A car ride… A hospital… And darkness… Or the light at the end of the tunnel?

A decommissioned power plant, a Serbian bastard, a proposition… His real name, the fear, the realization… Two guns… His last breaths… A punch to the gut, and another, and another… A joke… Another punch… A picture… The truth… His knees on the ground… The end… Or a new beginning?

A hillside, a kiss, abandonment… A pool, this time a Russian bastard, a friend in need… His sacrifice, the keys, the water… Saving said friend… The car ride… A chair, ties, a stained door… The fear, the end, memories of a chess game… A question, a metal device, a drill… Screams… Blood… And more screams and more blood… Please let this be the end… Or the change that he so desperately needed?

He continued to struggle to breathe as his mind was assaulted by old demons, bringing all his nightmares, past and present, to the forefront of his mind. He closed his eyes and focused on the good things he now had: his partner, his girlfriend, his fiancé… The guys… The wonder twins… He realized all he had circled back to NCIS and it terrified him that all that could be taken away in a second, by Whiting, by Bates, by Mosley, by a bullet (which would be more merciful), and ultimately, also by the ghost of a miserable bastard.

He often wondered what would be his last straw, his final nail in the coffin, his ultimate undoing. And his response often came in the form of a bullet, or an explosion, or maybe if he was lucky through retirement, little mutant ninja assassins and a family. He never thought he would fall to a ghost, be it his father, his ex-partner or anyone else.

When his mind seemed to be caught in an infinite loop of fear, misery and nightmares, he was brought back to reality by arms encircling him. She pulled him to her and he buried deep down in the embrace. She didn't say anything, just held him and acted as if she wasn't noticing the way his shoulders were shaking or the silent sniffles that could he heard in between the sound of the waves.

Without realizing or making a conscious effort she started tearing up as well. Her tears came from a different place, not brought upon by terrifying ghosts but by a different kind, but definitely ghosts nonetheless. They came from the familiar feeling of lost… She had lost her father, her ex-fiancé, her ex-partner, her only military connection to her father and now she felt as if she was also losing the only person that had managed to put all her broken pieces together and had made the pain of those previous loses more bearable. But unlike those preceding experiences this time she could do something about it, there were no guns, bullets, psychological or physical illnesses involved, the battle wasn't over and she could still be the decisive factor, the game-changer so to speak.

"Baby, talk to me…" she eventually whispered. She had given him time, to think, to feel, and to accept, but now came the moment of truth, the one that would define them, and Kensi Blye was not a quitter and she was determined to win. "Please, let me in…"

"I… I can't…" He didn't even made an effort to look up, he just remained in the same position, lost in thought, lost in his past, and lost in his nightmares.

"Please Deeks, all in remember, no more secrets, we're in this together, let me in…" She insisted, still with a sweet voice, trying to give him all the opportunities to open up and snap out of whatever was bringing him down.

"I… really can't… Maybe, Hetty was right all along…" He sounded so broken and it brought up a fresh set of tears to her eyes.

"Hetty? What are you talking about? What does Hetty has to do with anything? She… She's not even here, we haven't seen her in months." She was confused now, and really needed her partner to trust her or it would be impossible to help.

"You don't understand, please just leave it there."

She was starting to get angry now, her Deeks was not a quitter, and she was determined to rescue him from the darkness of his mind. "No, I don't understand Deeks, but how am I supposed to if you won't even talk to me. Please, let me help you, let me in…"

"I don't even know where to begin… It's just too much… I can't take it anymore," his voice broke at the end and she was assaulted by memories of a time some years ago: a door, Chinese food, a pastry baby, a cat pillow, a movie, sleep and a love story. That memory instead of bringing her down gave her all the courage she needed to rescue him from his demons, if they had managed to come back from that, they could fight and overcome anything… together.

"Just start from the beginning… What brought this up?" She tried to encourage him to talk, given him a clear question for which hopefully he would have a definite response.

"You know that, Whiting and Bates… And Boyle," he whispered, his voice getting even lower at the end, as if scared just to mention the name, as if just a name could really hurt him.

"Baby, look at me," when he didn't move she pushed him slowly away and held his face with both her hands, raising it so he would look at her in the eyes.

When he didn't respond, she dropped her hands and looked down, she really was at a loss now.

He stood up and walked towards the beach, and after leaving his shoes where the sand started, made his way into the water. He looked upwards at the moon, allowing its brightness to shine some light into his darkened mind, took in the cold of the water and allowed it to wash away his feelings of worthlessness and eventually turn around to look back the picnic table and to the light of his life, allowing the sight to vanquish the last of the demons away.

After taking some deep breaths and enjoying the water on his feet for a little while longer, he made his way back to the boardwalk and his ladybird, determined to open up and let her in as she requested. He knew she was only worried about him but he was still scared that his shadows would turn off her light forever.

"Hi…" he said with a half-smile, some red marking his cheeks and embarrassment present on his features.

"You good?" was her only response. She still wanted to know so she could help him but if he wasn't ready yet, she would take it and just silently continue to support him.

But, to her surprise he ignored her question and went straight to the point. "I'm sorry… I trust you, with all my life and all that I am. It all started with Whiting's blackmailing me a couple of days ago. I was scared when I got her text, thinking that if I didn't managed to achieve what she wanted, it could be the end of me… of us."

She didn't say anything when he paused, allowing him to let it all out and not wanting to make him back away again.

"When the day ended we had that conversation and it helped, the next morning I felt like myself again, like the surfing and your presence washed the fear away. But, then Callen and Sam started asking about it the next day, I wanted to tell them, to finally let the secret out, but I didn't have the courage. When we got back to the mission and they keep insisting they had our backs, I promised myself I would tell them soon, after all they deserve to know what they are defending me… us… from."

At this point she decided to ask the only question that was on her mind, "that's all right baby, and totally understandable, they deserve to know… So, what happened?"

He look back at the ocean as if begging it to give him strength. "Every night I promise tomorrow will be the day, but then the night brings back all the terrors, and each morning I'm too much of a coward to go ahead with it…"

She hated to hear him speak about himself that way, Marty Deeks was a lot of things but a coward wasn't one of them.

"Deeks, listen to me. You may be cheeky, a smartass, an occasional pain in the ass, and many other things, but a coward will never be one of them, you're the bravest man I know."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He tried to joke, to be his usual self, but he wasn't really feeling it. He decided for once in his life this was not the time for jokes but for the seriousness he always ran from. "If I really am the bravest man you know, why can I trust my own team with something that happened so long ago? Something that I brought upon myself."

"Bravery is not the absence of fear baby, you more than anyone should know that. It's just learning to act even in the presence of it. And I have it on good authority you have done that many times in the past, so why is it different this time around?"

"Hetty…"

"And now you lost me again… I don't understand, Hetty? Why Hetty?"

"It's something she said, when I was arrested the first time around."

"And?" she asked when he made no move to continue.

"After you guys arrested Steadman, when we were at the marina, do you remember I went to do something before I met you all for drinks?"

"Yeah, I remember." She wasn't sure where he was getting with this but she allowed him the time to tell his story in his own way.

"I went to the mission… I only wanted to be alone, to remember the place and to see everything I was really close to losing…"

"So, you wanted to punish yourself?"

"Maybe, I don't know. The point is, I wasn't alone. Hetty was there. I was sitting in the stairs and she, in her best ninja fashion, came at me from behind. She told me she knew about Boyle and what she did about Quinn. She asked me why I did it, and I told her the same thing I told you… To protect Tiffany."

He again stopped, but this time she decided to wait and not ask any more questions. After a couple of minutes gathering his thoughts he managed to continue, "I asked her why she didn't tell the team the truth and she responded it wasn't her story to tell. I thought she was forcing me to tell everyone, that it was my history and my news to deliver, but…"

"But?" She encouraged him to continue.

"She then said she didn't believed it was my story to tell either. At that point I was confused, thinking she was just toying with me. I mentioned not telling you about it, and her response… her response was that she found out that secrets are much easier to keep when you have no one to share them with…"

Years of undercover experience were the only reason she managed not to display a reaction and she could only muster a four word response, "do you regret it?"

"What?" He looked confused now.

"Telling me? This? Us? Do you regret it?" She sounded uncertain now. Thinking maybe pushing him to talk hadn't been the best idea.

"No… No princess. You're missing my point. I don't regret anything. Well, only not telling you sooner. What I meant is that what she said might be right, but I'm far way from applying to it, because I already have people to share those secrets with."

She hugged him and kissed him slowly on the lips, breathing in his scent, and taking it all in, because for a second she thought he was regretting their thing.

"Then tell them baby, I'll be there with you every step of the way… As I told you the first time Whiting contacted you after she was shot, you are never alone, and as long as I live you never will be."

"And that's why I love you," was his immediate response, full of love and gratitude as usual. But then, returned the doubts, "but… what if they don't agree? What if they can't work with me anymore? What if I lose them?"

She grabbed his hands and squeezed tightly, trying to reinforce the strength of her words with a physical action, "we have all done things we regret in the past, both undercover and as ourselves. No one is going to understand more than them. You're family Deeks, not only to me but to them as well."

"How can you be so sure about it? Sam the big bad ass ex-Navy Seal, the same that could barely stand me so many years ago, and who's all about teamwork and family, accepting that I killed my ex-partner? Callen, the man who has always looked for family and belonging, a man who can school his features in any situation and never lose his cool, accepting that I lost control and killed a man?"

"Oh Deeks, you're not giving yourself enough credit. You say Sam is all about teamwork and family, but then what do you call what you have done in the past? Shooting your own father to save your mother and preserve the only sense of family you both had; and taking a brutal torture to save Sam and his family? You're all about loyalty Deeks, even if you can't see it right now… And are we talking about the same lone-wolf Callen, the one that was tased by Hetty because he couldn't keep his cool?"

This time he was the one left looking for the fault in her statement, because she certainly made a compelling argument.

"I don't know if this will help or not, but I might… kind of… have told Nell about it, and she, not ever for a second, looked differently at you."

"You did what?" He tried to hide his discomfort at her news.

"I'm sorry, I was worried after we found your truck and phone with no sign of you or Bates. I mentioned the LAPD had things they could use against you, and we shouldn't allow that knowledge to get out. She has the highest IQ on the team, I'm sure she was able to put two and two together."

He remained silent, making her think that he was angry at her, but then she saw his eyes, the window to his soul, and only found the same love and devotion that was always present there when he looked at her. "She didn't say anything about it, but I saw in her eyes that she was ready to do whatever we needed, to fight for us, to fight for you… She's a good ally to have in our corner, and I know the guys will be too."

He opened his mouth to respond but no words came out, so she took his new-found speechlessness to keep driving her point home, "the only way you can truly be sure is by trying, if not, you will always wonder what could have happened if only you had decided to trust them." He was still quiet, so she took the opportunity and ran with it, "and baby, I have known them for a lot longer than you, they will understand. You're family, we're family. And they will do anything to protect family… Just as we both would do anything to protect them, in fact we already have."

"Okay baby…" he said, still sounding uncertain.

"Deeks, I'm not forcing you to do anything, but I do believe not telling them this truth is eating at you. Fear is normal, just take it as a sign you care, as the sign that what you said is right, and that you finally have someone to share those secrets with. Someone to share the burden with."

She then decided to stay silent, she had pleaded her case, tried to get to him in many different ways and now the only one who could make the decision was him. The only certainty she had was that whatever he chose she would be there to hold his hand and support him through whatever shadows he had to walk in… She would be his flashlight, his sun, his moon and stars, she would keep being the light to his darkness, because that was also her only way to move forward. Maybe he didn't understand, but she would always need him, as much as he knew he needed her.

After the woman finished her final argument, she opened her arms and the man went right in. They held each other for a while longer. Both breathing in the other's scent and engraving it to memory. Both quite confident in the comfort the other provided. And both knowing that together they could overcome any darkness, they just had to stand up and make the decision to keep fighting.

A little while later, at a moment in the time that if asked later the man wouldn't be able to point out, all the planets aligned, the starts shined brighter and he knew everything she had spoken had been right. A couple of days ago he had mentioned that the situation could be worse, after all he could be in the inside of a cell… But, he was not, and he was determined to use that time wisely. He would trust his family and not allow a ghost to destroy everything he had managed to create for himself.

The man pulled away and looked at the woman directly in the eyes, determination shining in his and relief evident in hers. He then put his hand on the table and whispered the words… "Together?"

She didn't even have to think about it, she put her hand on top of his and resolutely replied "together…" She couldn't not add her favorite words, just to reinforce the point, "all in."

"All in" he repeated, pulling her up along with him, kissing her on the forehead, and starting to walk towards the car; hand in hand, in the same way they had managed to cross their frozen lake in the past, and how they would now cross this new lake encased in darkness.

No more words were spoken that night, at least not for strangers to listen. The next words that came out of their mouths were just for each other: small reassurances of love, and sweet nothings just to make the other giggle. That night the man went to bed content in the knowledge that finally the time was right, and the woman closed her eyes knowing that she would be with him every step of the way.

* * *

 _I actually wrote this last week but I went through a period of self-doubt the past few days and this remained untouched on my laptop. I realize that posting an update is a bit scarier than just what is intended to be a simple one-shot. I again loved writing it, and I again hope someone gets to enjoy this journey I'm putting my favorite character through… Thanks so, so much for all the support, it really means the world to me and gives me the courage to keep fighting my own shadows of insecurity and to keep writing about the show that brings so much joy into my life… Thank you :)_


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm finally back… Sorry that I took forever to update this. I was a bit busy with my brother visiting and whenever I actually had a chance to write, nothing was coming out. I finally got inspired and this ended up longer than expected so I decided to divide the last section in three smaller chapters. They are already written so I will probably update them all this week. Thanks as usual for the support._

* * *

The blonde man had been visited by his demons again during the night, but unlike the previous days this time they hadn't stolen his courage away. Maybe love did conquer all, and maybe that was all that was really needed to fight off the shadows.

His view of the world had never been idealistic, the fists of his father taught him that at a young age, and his time as a lawyer and undercover detective had only managed to reinforce that view. He never thought he was destined for happiness, he had resigned himself to a life without love, without a family and without a place to belong to.

He never saw himself as someone who needed to be saved or someone who even deserved saving in the first place. After all he had voluntarily darkened his soul at the age of 11 when he decided to pick up a gun and shot his own father, and then he eternally blackened it when he killed his own partner. But his years in NCIS, even with all the monsters they met daily, had helped him recover some of the hope and innocence he thought was forever lost. And each day his friends kept adding light and color into his life.

Today he wasn't feeling extremely confident, and the small voice at the back of his head reminded him that his friends could still reject him. But at least he would be in peace with himself and that honestly was the one thing he desperately needed. And he was certain that at least one person would never reject him, his ladybird, the light to his life, and the stars to his night. As for the others, he could only be honest and hope for the best

-x-x-x-

The woman with the mismatched eyes woke up as soon as she felt his absence from the bed. She had seen him get out of the bedroom and walk towards the kitchen, and soon after she had tasted the delicious smell of freshly brewed coffee in the air.

She thought back to their conversation the previous night and prayed to anyone willing to listen that he was still feeling confident about the upcoming day and the important conversation that needed to occur.

Last night on the beach, she had assured him that their friends would accept him and that their view of him wouldn't change. But today she wasn't feeling as confident. Her mind went back to their first meeting: the lies, the fight, the arrogance and the disagreements. First impressions made all the difference and this time she was hoping that their teammates would decide to ignore that, along with the news they would hear today, and instead focus on everything her partner had done in the years in between.

-x-x-x-

That morning the couple got ready for work in silence. They ate together and even showered together, but unlike some days ago this day wasn't filled with intimate moments and kisses under the water, but with their own introspections and the comfort that only the proximity to the other was able to provide.

They got to the car and began their drive to the mission 30 minutes earlier. Their quiet and somewhat independent morning having left a lot of time to spare. Every once in a while the woman looked at him from the corner of her eyes, trying to judge his state of mind and read his demeanor. The man, on the other hand, tried to ignore her not-so-subtle looks and instead turned his head to stare at the window and the familiar streets of LA.

He had lived in this city his whole life, he knew every area, street and corner by memory, but still as the years keep passing his view of the city always kept changing. Today the streets didn't look familiar at all, and they certainly didn't gave him the feeling of home he usually associated with the City of Angels. He felt numb, as if he was taking the last road towards the place where his life was meant to end. And maybe, it wasn't that far off, he wasn't going to die today, but life as he knew it could really easily come to a conclusion on this day.

-x-x-x-

When they were two blocks from the mission the woman knew it was time to finally speak, they couldn't keep ignoring what was right in front of their eyes.

"Are we still on for today's plan?" she silently asked, not trying to sound authoritative, only concerned and supportive.

He took a deep breath and another, and another, until he was able to form coherent thoughts. Still a low "yes" was all he could muster.

"Okay, I will be there with you every step of the way."

"You don't have to."

"I want to, which is a completely different matter," she hated seeing him doubt himself, but she hated it even more when he doubted _them_.

"Thank you…" he was clearly struggling to keep it together and she wondered how was he even going to be able to open up to the guys without breaking down completely.

It took them 15 more minutes to reach the mission because of the morning traffic, but today, unlike any other morning, the man was grateful for the extra time. They parked, got out of the car and made their way towards the door hand-in-hand. But when she was about to open up the door he dropped her hand and took a step back.

"Baby… What's going on? You can do this, I know you can… I know _we_ can"

"I just need a minute to gather myself, go on, I will meet you inside in a little." She saw him turn around and walk away, leaving her with one hand still in the handle and the other one feeling empty at her side. Still, she understood the need for some alone time, so she brushed off her disappointment and determinedly made her way inside.

"Good morning Kens, where is lover boy today?" Was Sam's first comment after he saw her entering the bullpen on her own, after all everybody knew the partners were a lot more than just partners, and they always drove to work together.

"He's coming, he just needed… to finish… something before…" She was vague about it, and deep down she knew the two senior agents and most experienced members of the team would notice the hesitance in her voice and the somewhat lack of a proper explanation.

"Did he sleep late, or maybe spent too much time surfing?" This time it was Callen who spoke, apparently not realizing that something was wrong, or maybe just trying to keep things normal for as long as he could.

"He…"

"Kensi, what's going on?" Sam's voice sounded even stronger than usual, right now he wasn't the agent but the concerned older brother.

"Nothing… Nothing is going on… What makes you think that?"

"Your reaction just now pretty much confirms that something is not right. You didn't defend Deeks against G's teasing, you never let bad guys rattle you but you're looking really flustered right now… Should I keep going?" Sam wasn't backing down and he was determined to learn the truth one way or the other. Then a somewhat disturbing thought came to his mind, but… it couldn't be. Still he had to ask…

"Did you guys had a fight…? Did he do something to you?" The words even sounded foreign and inconceivable in his mind, but this was Kensi, his little sister and he had to know.

"What? NO? Are you crazy Sam, he would never hurt… he would never hurt anyone… And you more than anyone should know that…" She went from surprised, to irritated and eventually resigned.

Sam noticed the change in her tone, and how she didn't push or tried to defend Deeks any further; and with that his suspicions were confirmed and he was certain that something was going on. He went back to the last week, to their cases, their teammates; trying to think of what might be causing whatever issue was going on. He had an idea but it couldn't be, Deeks was a jokester and he didn't take anything seriously, but he did remember the young man had been acting strange all week, and it all had started when… The realization came to him like a punch to the gut and it took a lot of control not to display a reaction.

"Kens… Is Deeks okay?" He saw the somewhat surprised look on his partner's face and realized that he hadn't caught up yet with what was most likely going on. But it wouldn't take him much longer, after all there was a reason why Callen was the leader of the team.

Kensi wasn't sure how to respond, and she struggled to come up with a valid excuse to change the conversation.

"Kensi… we're a team, if something is going on we need to know, what's the story?"

"Nothing Sam, nothing is going on."

"Then, where is Deeks this morning? If you didn't fight, he didn't overslept and he's not surfing…"

"Sam it's not my story to tell."

"Ohhh but then you're admitting there is a story." Sam said with a knowing smile; sounding victorious now, sure he had her and there was no way she could keep denying it now.

"No… yes… let's just forget…" She saw Deeks walking in from the corner of her eye and stopped talking abruptly, shooting the senior partners a dirty look that she hoped said _keep your mouths shut or you will be dealing with me…_

Deeks didn't say a word, he just walked to his desk, dropped his bag down and grabbed the first folder from his pending paperwork's pile. He had noticed the looks on his teammates' faces and Kensi hadn't been quick enough when she stopped talking, so he knew a tense discussion had been going on when he arrived. And he also knew it had stopped with his presence, so all signs pointed to it having to do with him. He wasn't ready to have this conversation now, and the middle of the bullpen was definitely not the place for it, so he just decided to ignore everyone for now.

The senior partners looked at each other, both knowing that something was going on and they were the last ones left without that knowledge. By Kensi's reaction they were certain it had to do with Deeks, and they decided to ask the young man directly next time they had the chance.

Soon after they were called by Eric with a new strange instrument he had managed to find since the last case. When they all turned to look at him disapprovingly Nell decided to have his partner's back against the field agents. "It is Shakulute, a combination between a Japanese bamboo flute and a western silver flute. We got it this past weekend in a convention we…" She decided to stop after seeing the irritated looks in their friends' face.

Callen was the first one to stand and make his way past Eric, taking his strange flute away from him in the process. Kensi stayed beside her desk but decided to follow Callen after seeing the look Sam was sending her way.

As soon as Kensi started to walk, Deeks quickly stood up to follow her, after all the last thing he needed was to get stuck alone with Sam. Sadly the senior agent had other plans and he stood blocking the detective's way. Deeks just turned his attention to the ground, hoping to avoid the questions that he knew would soon follow.

"Deeks… Deeks look at me," after the younger man didn't respond, the big man decided to put his hand in his shoulder and squeeze slightly, trying to draw his mind back to the present. But still the detective made no attempt to respond, apparently his mind was in the present, and he was just voluntarily ignoring Sam.

"Deeks is everything okay?"

Deeks turned his head up to look at Sam and the look he gave him told the senior agent everything he needed to know. The closest looks he remembered seeing from the younger man were four years ago in a hospital room, and then two times in the upcoming years when Kensi had been in trouble in two foreign countries… and he had never wanted to see either again.

"Brother you know you can trust us, are you okay?"

Deeks took a deep breath and decided to end his misery and just take the first step towards salvation. "No Sam, I'm not okay… And I will tell you… just… not now, can you come over tonight for drinks? We can talk then…" He did it quickly, just like when you rip off the bandaid rapidly in order to avoid more pain.

Sam was surprised by the lack of cheerfulness in the man's voice, he looked seriously defeated and that told him that whatever was going on was really serious.

"Yes man, of course, we're family you know you can trust me."

"Okay… Just come over after work, I'll have beers… And… bring Callen with you." He wasn't looking forward to telling his team leader the truth, but he also didn't wanted to have to tell the story twice so tonight had to be the night.

The two men then proceeded towards ops to be briefed on their current case. Soon after they all left the building with their respective partners to start chasing leads and hopefully solve the case soon. Even though, deep down the younger man hoped it would take more than a day, that way he would have a believable excuse to push telling the truth to his teammates, at least for a little while longer…

-x-x-x-

The rest of the day passed quickly for all the agents but the young detective, who only felt as if he was being ripped apart from the inside out. They left the office at 7, the senior partners agreeing to get the beers, if the younger pair got the takeout pizza. And just 30 minutes after leaving the mission both set of partners arrived at the house, neither of them knowing what the next couple of hours would bring.

All four team members then made their way into the house and settled down in the couple's living room. The pizza was consumed in almost complete silence, some light teasing and remarks about their latest case providing the only sounds in the room. After all food was consumed and the leftovers placed in the microwave the female agent decided to excuse herself to their bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes. Or at least that's the best excuse she could come up with to allow the boys some private time to set up the upcoming revelation.

Still silence was the only thing heard in the room until the lead agent decided to lead the conversation into an actual conversation, "So… Don't take me wrong Deeks you know I enjoy spending time with you guys after we don't spend enough hours together at work already… but…" He decided to leave the ending open not to force the young man, just to encourage him.

Deeks laughed, but quickly stopped, not really finding anything funny in his current predicament. He knew he had to start talking soon or the senior team members would start losing their patience.

Sam, who had an idea of what this conversation would deal with, decided to remind the younger man that whatever he had to say, they were still his teammates and they would be there for him. "Deeks, brother… We know something is going on, you have been acting strange all week… Whatever it is we're here for you, and that won't change…"

At the first part of Sam's statement Deeks draw in his breath, expecting to be rejected before he even had the time to explain himself, but as Sam completed his comment he thought that maybe there really was a light at the end of his dark tunnel.

"I killed Boyle… I killed my ex-partner." After saying the words he just wanted to run, or maybe to melt in the chair, or hit his head against the table and just lose consciousness and escape to the loneliest corner of his mind.

The silence in the room was deafening. No one spoke. All three men barely blinked. And no one had any idea how to continue the conversation.

The senior team members had been expecting those news ever since their younger teammate was first arrested for murder, and even then just listening to the words actually come out of Deeks' mouth had left them both speechless.

The junior team member on the other hand, felt like he was drowning inside his own body. He was aware that he owed Callen and Sam an explanation but the words just wouldn't come out. And the silence from the two men was making him think that this was all just a mistake.

Ultimately it was Kensi's return to the room what prompted all three men to recover their voices. "Everything okay?" she asked, knowing that things were far from okay but needing to bring the boys back to the present and out of their own heads.

Sam was the first to recover, "yes… Deeks was just telling us that…" but then he stopped not knowing what the right path was with this conversation or what Kensi really knew about the issue.

Knowing he had to take responsibility for his actions, both in the past when he pulled the trigger and in the present when he started this conversation, Deeks decided to speak and not let Sam take all the pressure on himself. "Yes... baby. I just told them that I… killed Boyle…"

Kensi already knowing what he had done wasn't caught by surprise and was able to pull the conversation on a friendly and clearly determined track. "You have never told me what happened that night, so this is the perfect time to let us all know."

Deeks took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and took another deep breath. He took a swig from his beer, and then finally opened his eyes again. He wasn't expecting for the three faces looking back at him to show such concern, care and understanding, and that gave him all the strength he needed to finally set his fears to rest and leave his demons in the past.

"I have never told this story to anyone, but really, I never even had anyone to tell it to. But you three are the family I never thought I deserved, but still somehow got. As you might have guessed, I told it to Whiting when she was shot last year in a moment of desperation and now she's blackmailing me with that information. And, if you're all willing to help and protect me, and have actually already done in the past, you all deserve the truth, and even if tonight is not easy, that's exactly what I'm giving to you…"

"Thanks for trusting us brother… We appreciate it and you know that nothing you did in the past will change the way we look at you know, because we don't know the Deeks of the past, but the one of the present, and everything that Deeks did in the past 7 years." Sam's words were echoed by Callen's, giving Deeks the last bit of courage he needed, "that's right man, we have all done questionable things in the past, but what matters is what we choose to do now."

"Thanks…" The boys' words got the younger man a bit emotional and that was the last thing he needed when he was about to have one of the hardest conversation of his life.

No one spoke again, leaving the young man the time he needed to gather his thoughts and tell the story at his own pace.

"I met Tiffany when I was a rookie officer, just out of the academy…" Deeks started as he got caught up in the memories and started just narrating the movie that was playing on his head.

-x-x-x-

 _He had been responding to a robbery call and at that specific moment was in actual pursuit of the suspect. Weaving in and out of upcoming traffic, running like if he was an Olympian, and jumping a fence, only to end in a darkened alley with no way through._

 _In his anger and disappointment at missing his suspect he almost missed her, but a mop of blonde hair hidden behind a dumpster caught his attention._

 _He walked slowly trying not to startle the figure and eventually reached what looked like a young girl, who couldn't be more than 15 years old. The first thing that surprised him was the state the girl was in. Her clothes were torn, her face was dirty and her hair was all tangled up._

 _As soon as he took one step closer the girl woke up and pulled a knife on him. He wasn't expecting such a quick reaction and found himself stuck between the cold blade and the dirty wall at his back…_

-x-x-x-

Kensi's sharp intake of air drew his attention back to the present. Even if the story occurred years ago, every time her partner was or had been in danger, she worried. Wondering what could have been and how different her life could be.

"What happened next?" She prodded, both curious to know the rest of the story but also wanting to make sure he wouldn't back down now.

"I told her I was a cop and offered to help but she was too scared to consider anything. She at least took notice I really was a cop and decided to let me go… I managed to give her my card before leaving the alley and meeting back up with my partner at the time."

"Did she ever call you?" This time it was Callen who asked the question, apparently they were all really into this story and at least up to this point they were seemingly ignoring the fact he had confessed to murder just 30 minutes ago.

"She did, three months after that first meeting…"

* * *

 _I know this started as a small one-shot after the episode and turned into a bigger thing dealing with Deeks' past with Boyle and Tiffany, I thought a lot about what I wanted it to be and I really hope it's not disappointing. As usual, reviews, good or bad, are welcomed and much appreciated. Thanks again for reading and supporting this little adventure, it means the world to me ;)_


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read, review and support the last chapter, especially to the guest reviewers who I couldn't thank personally. We're getting to the end here and I hope this story is still interesting. As a reminder my native language is Spanish and this chapter was a bit harder to write so I apologize in advance for any mistakes. As usual reviews are welcomed and much appreciated._

* * *

 _It was a Saturday morning and he was sitting at the beach after his morning surf. When his phone rang he thought it was police business and considered ignoring it, but the unknown number caught his attention._

" _Hello, this is Marty."_

-x-x-x-

"Marty?" Sam interrupted with a smirk.

"Yes Sam. Marty, which is my actual name, but I understand you might not remember as none of you have ever used it… And now if you would let me continue…"

"Sorry man, go ahead."

-x-x-x-

" _H… Hello…" The voice on the other end sounded young and familiar but he couldn't place it._

" _Who's this?" He wasn't sure what to say, and didn't want to reveal anything about himself considering the number had been an unknown._

" _Is… Is this Marty?" He was sure he had heard that voice before._

" _Yes…"_

" _I'm sorry to call you, my… my… name is Tiffany. We met at that ally and you gave me your card." As soon as she said Tiffany he remembered the girl behind the dumpster and how much she had reminded him of a younger version of his mother. Also, how he had promised himself he would help her if she ever did call…_

" _I remember you…" Was all he could say, as his mind was suddenly assaulted by images from his painful past._

" _You said to call if I needed help, and… and… I…" She stopped talking and a man's voice was heard on the back._

 _He waited and when nothing else was said he started freaking out. "Tiffany… Tiffany… Are you there?"_

 _He could now hear fast footsteps on the other end of the line and after around 2 minutes Tiffany's tired voice spoke again, "sorry… I'm… I'm here…"_

" _Tiffany are you in trouble? Do you need me to come get you?" Anyone would have argued that his actions were foolish; after all, you just don't go pick up a girl you met one night behind a dumpster. But that was just who he was, and he had never acted according to others' expectations._

" _Can you?" Her voice sounded small and scared, like this was her last choice to escape a really bad outcome._

" _Yes, where are you?"_

 _She explained to him where to find her and gave him clear indications on how to avoid being seen by the people around that area._

 _As soon as the GPS started signaling that his desired address was getting closer, he started wondering just what this girl was caught into. He was in a seedy part of the city, known for unwanted and illegal activities, and certainly not the place a young girl wanted to be growing up in. He then followed all her instructions and parked the car in an abandoned parking lot two blocks from the location she was supposedly in._

 _When he realized where the GPS was leading him to, he started preparing for the upcoming hour, but nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when he got there._

 _It was an abandoned warehouse, floor littered with trash and broken bottles, strange smells and objects everywhere, and around 12 mattresses pushed towards one of the back walls._

 _He looked around but no one was there, but based on the state of the mattresses, someone had slept in there, or at least someone had been in there, if they were sleeping or something else he wasn't sure… or even wanted to know._

 _A noise at his back made him turn around in a second but his raising heart was placated when he only saw a wide-eyed Tiffany staring back at him._

" _What's this place?" His surprised was too big and he couldn't stop the question from bursting out._

 _As soon as she started responding, three big men came into the room calling her name. Tiffany's face turned into the embodiment of fear and she looked at Deeks pleadingly._

 _Not knowing what else to do, or who the men were, but certain they meant trouble, he grabbed her hand and ran. As soon as they were out of the building he turned around and saw the men chasing them at a quick pace._

-x-x-x-

Deeks stopped to caught his breath and take a swig of his now warm beer. He decided to just throw it away and grab a new one from the fridge. Also needing the time to compose himself and refocus.

"Were you guys able to escape?" As soon as Sam asked the question his mind went back to the past and running for his life along with Tiffany.

-x-x-x-

 _Deeks led Tiffany among various buildings, streets and darkened corners, eventually finding themselves in the middle of a community park surrounded by four buildings and paths that all looked exactly the same._

 _The seconds it took them to decide which path to take was enough for the men to caught up to them, but this time there weren't three but five. And they had started walking towards them from all sides._

 _Deeks instinctively pushed Tiffany behind him and pulled his shirt a little up, uncovering his badge and then put his hand on the gun at his side._

 _He could feel Tiffany trembling and her increasing uneasiness as the men kept getting closer. The first one to reach them came from their back and went straight for her wrist, making Tiffany scream as the man's fingers brushed her skin._

 _Deeks twisted to face the assailant and in that precise moment two of the other guys reached him, grabbing his arms and pulling them behind his back. The first one was then able to fully reach Tiffany, and started pulling her away from Deeks._

" _I'm an officer for the Los Angeles Police Departm…" Deeks voice sounded lighter than he would have wanted and a bit of hesitance was evident in his tone, but he had no other option to get away from the five men. However, before he could even finish his statement, the fourth man who had now reached them along with the last one, hit him straight in the middle of the stomach, forcing the air out of his lungs. Deeks hunched over in pain, struggling to find any way out of this situation._

 _Before he even had time to fully catch his breath a second punch followed again into his stomach, and then two hits in quick succession to his face._

 _The young officer could feel the blood on his face and was certain that the first hit had busted open his lip and the second one would almost surely give him a black eye._

-x-x-x-

"Where was Tiffany at that point?" Kensi's question brought his mind back to the present and he continued telling the story of the first time he really met Tiffany.

"The man who grabbed her was leading her out of the park and into one of the paths. I could hear her struggling, she was kicking and screaming, but she was just a girl and the guy was just too strong…" Deeks' sadness was evident in his voice as he remembered how powerless Tiffany had looked at that moment, and the images reminded him of another blonde and helpless woman from his past.

"Did you manage to fight them off?" Sam's question held no malice, no teasing tone or smirk, just pure curiosity and concern.

"Nah man, I tried. Two were still holding my arms behind my back, a third one was the one landing blow after blow and the last one went to help the other one with Tiffany. I tried fighting them off, but they were just too many and it only costed me a couple more punches…"

"Then how were you able to get away?" This time it was Callen who asked the question.

"Seeing it would be impossible to fight them and escape, I went for using my words. I started this whole story about Tiffany being the runaway daughter of my commanding officer and that he had sent a bunch of his guys to pick her up… That he was lucky they were stuck with the rookie one, but that more were close and they wouldn't be as kind…" Deeks voice sounded far away, as if he was caught between reliving the past and actually living the present.

"They didn't believe me, but they still considered my words and that small moment of hesitance was enough for me to pull away from them and run towards Tiffany. When she saw me, she hit the guy in the face and before the other one could reach her we turned and ran towards one of the other paths leading away from the park." No one spoke after he was finished with that part of the story, knowing how hard it was for the young man to tell them and not wanting to pressure him further.

After some minutes, some deep breaths and some more swigs of his beer, the detective continued on his own… "That was the day I learned that words could sometimes held as much strength as fists, and sometimes they could even be stronger… A lesson I wished someone had taught me when I was a little kid…"

Kensi looked at him sadly after he finished that last sentence, the boys on the other hand, not catching the meaning and significance behind his words as that part of Deeks' past was still unknown to them.

They all felt that this had been more than enough information for one night, but they all also knew how hard it had been for the detective to even start this conversation and doubted he would be able to do it again if he stopped, so they all individually decided this conversation had to end tonight.

"Did you ever find out what that place was? Did you arrest the men following her? Was it a trafficking ring?" Callen, always the agent, thinking about the case, asked all the questions in quick succession.

Deeks took another deep breath before finishing that part of the story. "Luckily the path we took led to a street which I recognized and we were able to reach the car before the men caught up to us again. I took Tiffany home, and we took care of each other. She had injuries from whatever had happened to her the night before, prompting her call to me in the first place, and I had some busted ribs and some other injuries caused by our brief encounter with those guys…"

"…That night I didn't ask her any questions, but the next day she told me part of her story. Her mother had been a prostitute who had been in and out of jail most of her life, she never knew her father and eventually at 14 she ran away. She turned to the only life she knew and became a prostitute herself. She never really told me what happened the night before or what that place even was… and I didn't push her because I didn't wanted for her to run away again."

"Did you let her to go back to that place?" Sam sounded surprised, not really able to imagine the Deeks he knew accepting that was meant to be her life and sending her back into the streets.

"Nah… Even if she had wanted, she couldn't. For whatever reason those men were after her, and they now knew she had a cop… friend. I took her to a women's shelter I knew from my time as a public defender and got her help with some people I knew there…"

Deeks then stopped and if the men and woman listening would have been ignorant to the ending of the story, they could have thought that was just it, but that was not the case, and they all knew some more trouble somehow had followed them.

"For some time it was okay… She didn't call and I thought she was turning her life around… But one day on a call to a different area, which was also known for similar _activities_ , I saw her on a corner and stopped to talk to her…" He looked sad now, again caught between the really old past, the not so old past, and the present.

"And…" Kensi knew Deeks well enough to know that sometimes he needed a tiny push to keep going. She also took his hand and squeezed a little, giving him all the comfort and support she could without giving in to all her desires, given the boys were in the room, she wanted to limit their displays.

"She was surprised and… embarrassed to see me… I took her to dinner and she told me how she eventually left the shelter and returned to the only thing she knew how to do… I tried talking her out of it, but she insisted that things were better now, and that those men hadn't followed her there… And that's when… when…"

He closed his eyes and couldn't keep going. He felt the darkness taking over, well knowing that what came next was the decision that triggered all the bad things that followed. But wanting to finally let those shadows out, he decided to continue, "…That was when I turned her into my informant…"

-x-x-x-

 _It had been around 5 months since the night at the abandoned warehouse, the chase in the darkened LA streets and their lucky escape. And 2 month since the day he again found her working a corner in a seedy part of the city._

 _Reluctantly she had agreed to become his informant, feeling in part as if she owed him a debt and knowing, from experience, that in the streets debts could cost you dearly and when you least expected them to be charged._

 _Neither of them had expected for that relationship to turn into an actual friendship. Every couple of weeks the young officer would take the young girl out to lunch or dinner, she would pass along information and they would end up sharing much more about their lives… They rarely talked about their pasts, both preferring to focus on their future and dreams. For the first 2 months of their arrangement things were great, she provided him with some useful information and he continued to do his job as a cop, while also keeping an eye on the girl that had caught his attention from the first day he laid eyes on her._

 _One particular night, Tiffany tried to blow off their meeting again, after already doing so in three previous occasions, attributing it this time to some business she had to attend to. The officer, always doubtful and now also concerned, decided to go to the area he knew she used to work. Not finding her there, he looked at the nearby shelters and even hospitals and morgues. Not finding her anywhere, he decided to ask around a little. No one wanted to speak, until a young girl, around Tiffany's age, without saying a word, pointed him in the direction of an alley and looked up._

 _He eventually found her sleeping on the outside staircase of an abandoned building. He could see some droplets of blood on her shirt and if it wasn't for her shivering he would have thought she was dead. He couldn't see her face as she was curled in on herself. Not wanting to startle her, he quietly started calling her name, but after getting no response he kneeled down and gently touch her shoulder._

 _She woke up in a flash and again pulled a knife on him, this time almost causing him to fall from the high staircase. However, when Tiffany saw that it was him she dropped the knife and turned around to try and hide her face. But she wasn't quick enough and he could clearly see the black eye and swollen lip._

" _Tiffany… What's going on? Who did this to you?"_

" _Wh… What are you doing here Marty? Are you… Are you following me?" She sounded again like the lost little girl he met at that alley and not the young woman she had been becoming during the last months, even with the less than favorable life she was living._

" _Don't ignore my question… WHO DID THIS TO YOU?" Everyone knew the young man to be a calm man, a jokester by nature and someone who always looked at the bright side. At least when it had to do with others, in terms of himself, most of the time, he could only see darkness._

" _It… It was an accident… I fell down". He couldn't believe what he was listening and he felt as if he was reliving the past._

" _No, Tiffany, it wasn't an accident, I know it and you know it… Now tell me what the hell happened?" In their months of friendship the detective had been gently trying to get the young girl out of her current life, and not even in the worst times had he lifted his voice at her or sounded as he currently did._

 _Tiffany started to back away and her shivering which had somehow decreased thanks to Deeks' proximity had started again and at that point he realized that he was scaring her and that was not the way to go._

" _Sweetheart… please listen to me," getting no response from the girl, he decided to quickly move forward and gather Tiffany in his arms. To his surprise she didn't fight it and instead starting silently sobbing into his shirt, the only indication being the shaking of her shoulders and the wet feeling in his chest._

-x-x-x-

"Had the bad guys come back?"

Deeks shook his head, a little lost with the interruption. He looked at Kensi in confusion, making it obvious he was not getting her question.

"The 5 guys that were chasing her and attacked you, where they the ones who hurt her?"

"I wish they had…"

"What?" This time it was Sam's turn to look confused.

At the young detective silence, Callen decided to push forward, "what are you talking about? If it wasn't them, who was?"

"Some cops…"

"Cops?"

"Yeah…"

"Come on man, you're not making any sense, we know it's hard but you can do it, what do you mean by cops?" Sam, understanding the toll this conversation was taking on the younger man, tried to get him back on track.

"Sorry…" Deeks took a couple of deep breaths before eventually continuing. "I wished, and still do, that it had been the 5 guys because everything would have been so much easier that way…" He stopped again, but looking at the slightly exasperated looks in his teammates' eyes, he decided to quickly continue. "She told me that she was beat up by some cops… A group of them that were using her, and other girls _services_ … Most of them were okay, if you could call what they were doing okay, but some of them got rough and enjoyed hurting the girls…"

It was evident that this part of the conversation was affecting the detective a lot more than the previous ones. Kensi knowing his family history was not surprised, but the boys silently wondered what else had happened in the detective's life to which they were ignorant to.

"Boyle?" If Sam was always the one gently pushing him to move forward, and Kensi the one offering silent support, Callen was certainly the one asking all the case-related questions.

"I don't know… She never told me the name…"

"Then how was Boyle involved in all of this?" Sam was the one who voiced the question that was in all the agents' minds.

"It took a little more time to get there…"

-x-x-x-

 _After trying to get more information on the cops that had hurt her and on whatever was really going on with them, but failing every time, he decided not to push anymore and instead offered the girl the help she needed._

 _He again took her home and attended to her injuries, giving her food and shelter as well. The next morning he again tried to get information but she again refused, thanking him for the help and leaving his apartment in a rush. He now understood why she kept blowing off their meetings… with cops involved, this story was now turning a lot more delicate and complicated._

 _Some more months passed and their relationship remained the same as it was in the beginning, as if that night had never happened. Those months had also brought a lot of changes for the cop, who was now partnered with a new guy, an old-school cop, and an impulsive and aggressive bastard. In just 2 months working together Deeks had already reported him twice and had ended up with the barrel of a gun inside his mouth as thanks for his efforts._

 _During those months the times in which she came to meet him sporting some sort of bruise or cut had become more common and the rumors of a group of cops who enjoyed beating up hookers keep getting to his ears with a lot more frequency. So, that night he told Tiffany to meet at his home; determined to finally get the information on the offending cops, even if he had to push or threaten her._

 _As soon as she showed up to this house, he understood why she had tried to cancel their meeting. She wasn't sporting one black eye, but two, her nose was swollen and her lip was cut open in two places. He started losing control and she tried to placate him, but this had already gone far enough and the detective was determined to put a stop to it._

" _Tiffany… What is the name of the cop that's hurting you?"_

" _I can't… You know I can't… That's the only thing I can't say."_

" _If you don't give me a name today, this arrangement is over and you're on your own." He wouldn't really abandon her, but he felt he really needed to push her this time._

 _In the short amount of time they had known each other, Marty had become the most important person in her life and the only real positive role model she had ever known. He not only kept a constant eye on her, but provided her with food and shelter when she needed and on a couple of occasions had even showed up to rescue her when she had called. She was scared to give him the information he wanted, but she wasn't willing to lose all that he offered._

 _So she decided to share… A decision that would haunt both young woman and man for the rest of their lives…_

-x-x-x-

"She gave a description of the man, and… and I knew instantly that it was Boyle… I wasn't even surprised, given what I already knew of the bastard."

"How long had you been working together at the time?"

"Mmm, a couple of months, at most… But it was more than enough to know the guy was insane…"

"So… What did you do?" Kensi was scared to push him too much as she knew they were getting now to the end of the story and to the night that had marked the man she loved forever.

"I confronted him…"

"And how did that went?" Sam tone was ironic but it held no malice.

"I ended up with another black eye and a threat that he would end my career before it even had the chance to begin…"

The three agents looked at each other, not really knowing what to say, just wanting to get to the end of the story so hopefully their friend could finally let go and start healing.

Deeks stood up and went to the kitchen to grab a new beer and splash some cold water onto his face, he then grabbed some more bottles for the rest and headed back to the living room.

He passed the beers around but stayed silent after that.

"…So what happened next?" Kensi hated to push him, but it was getting late and they needed to get this over with.

"Nothing… Everything went back to _normal_ … Tiffany went back to the streets and we kept holding meetings, but a lot less regularly. Boyle and I kept being partners but our relationship never improved and he remained a loose cannon…" He closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair… A clear sign that his state of mind was deteriorating and this was really getting to him. "Until the night that everything changed…"

All three agents help their breaths, knowing they had gotten to the point of the conversation they all had been waiting for, knowing they needed to hear it, as much as the young man needed to say it. All hoping that whatever was said wouldn't alter their relationships forever…

-x-x-x-

 _It was Friday night and Deeks was alone at his apartment, laying on his coach with his fateful doggy companion by his side. It had been 3 weeks since his last contact with Tiffany so to say he was surprised when he heard a knock on the door and saw her standing there, hurt and barely able to hold her weight, was evidently the understatement of the year._

 _His breath caught in his throat when he saw her and for a short moment he felt as if he really couldn't draw any air into his lungs. His mind was messed up, and instead of Tiffany, he was seeing his mother standing at his doorway… hurt, bleeding and crying after another of Brandel's outbursts had almost landed her in the hospital… Or at least it should have but Brandel hadn't allow it not to alert anyone to what was really going on in their household._

 _The sound of Tiffany's sniffles drew his mind back to the present and he pulled her into his apartment, sitting her on the couch, while he went to look for the first aid kit on his bathroom cabinet._

 _He started tending to her wounds while trying to decide how to better approach her. Humor was his go-to style, but the current situation held no place for that, so he decided to be direct and honest._

" _Tiffany… This has already gone too far… What happened now, was it Boyle?"_

 _The young woman already knew of the bad blood between her officer friend and his violent partner, and she didn't want to be the one to ultimately cause the relationship to explode and their apparent bubble of piece to burst. Still the look on Marty's face told her he was determined to get the truth and end this one way or another._

" _Tiffany?"_

 _Even with his questions, her mind remained elsewhere, ultimately being the sting of the alcohol in contact with the cuts on her arms what drew her mind back to the present._

 _She drew in a breath and the young man apologized, trying to be more careful in his cleaning of her injuries._

" _Was it Boyle?" He repeated the question. A part of him already knew it had been him, but the hopeful and still innocent side of his soul keep insisting that he had to make sure, because maybe his partner had heard him and had decided to stop what he was doing. And Tiffany could had been hurt any number of ways, especially when taking into consideration the type of life she was living._

 _As he continued to clean and wrap her cuts, he noticed a big bruise peeking out from under the collar of her shirt. His mind was again assaulted by old memories, this time, not only of injuries on his mother, but also to bruises and cuts in his small body._

" _Tiffany take off your shirt?"_

" _What?"_

" _Take off your shirt," his tone was gentle but he left no run for argument._

" _What are you going to do?" She sounded scare and Deeks hated the men who had made her doubt anyone that was trying to approach her._

" _Tiffany, take it off, you know I'm only trying to help…"_

 _Reluctantly Tiffany removed her shirt, trying not to wince or gasp at the pain the movement caused to her ribs. As soon as the shirt was completely off, the detective started seeing red…_

 _There were bruises all around Tiffany's body, and a big cut could be seen coming from her back. Deeks looked around and saw all the damage that had been done to the young woman… Damage that had all been done on purpose._

 _He flashed back to a time when he was 7. His father had come home drunk and angry after his team had lost a game, costing him a lot of money and leaving him with less cash for booze. Brandel had decided to unwind with his son, hitting him over and over again, and forbidding him from going to a hospital, instead sending him to school the next morning. That day he had physical education, and he was aware that with his injuries he wouldn't be able to participate, so he sneaked out of school and went back to his house as he knew both his parents were at work. He remembered standing for around 20 minutes, naked and in front of a mirror, looking, analyzing and studying each bruise, cut and injury on his small body, but more than anything questioning the why. Sadly, he was never able to come up with a satisfying answer…_

-x-x-x-

Deeks had started tearing up and his team decided not to comment on it. Knowing that sometimes letting the tears flow was the only way to release whatever demons were assaulting your mind at the moment. After some minutes had passed and the young man was still lost in his memories and quiet, Kensi decided an intervention was needed. She stood up and went to him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing the top of his head. She brushed his tangled locks from his face and whispered something close to his ear.

The boys felt like they were intruding on a personal moment, but they knew that at that moment Kensi was the only one capable of returning the man they both now thought of as a young brother to the present and to their current conversation. And whatever she said had worked, because Deeks slightly smiled and started looking more composed.

Kensi then went back to her spot on the coach and winked at Deeks, encouraging him to continue.

He drew in a breath and keep going… "The injuries she had were… they were awful… and they were done on purpose…"

"Was it Boyle?" Callen asked, again showing how he was the more rational and less openly emotional member of the team.

Deeks closed his eyes and murmured a soft "yes…" Still with his eyes closed he kept talking… "She told me that another detective had approached her with a plan to stop Boyle. I asked for a name but she didn't remember or maybe didn't want to share… She just mentioned internal affairs, which, as you know, is never good…"

The detective stood up and started pacing around the living room, trying to alleviate his anxiety and collect his racing thoughts. When he was confident he could keep going without breaking down completely he sat back down and continued. "She told me about the plan, the hotel, and how whoever that cop was, was supposed to get there and caught Boyle and Tiffany in the act… But he never showed up and Boyle instead discovered the plan. After having his way with her, he revealed what he knew and started beating her up… He was… He was… going to kill her…"

"How did Tiffany escaped?"

"I'm not sure, by that time, she had started shivering uncontrollably and I couldn't think straight anymore. I asked her the name of the hotel and…"

"And?" Callen already had an idea where this story was going, but he had to hear it from Deeks himself.

"Deeks?" Sam wasn't sure what to think with that new bit of information. Self-defense was one thing but…

"Baby?" Kensi was getting worried now, Deeks had a blank look on his face and he wasn't saying a word.

The three agents started looking at each other, all concerned now. The tension in the room was palpable and now, no one was saying a word. Until Deeks took a really long breath and decided it was time to continue. What happened next in the story had been his decision and he needed to live with it, and accept whatever consequences it might now bring.

"Tiffany eventually relented and gave me the name of the hotel… So I went there to confront Boyle…"

-x-x-x-

 _The drive to the hotel was one of the hardest moments in the young officer's life. He wasn't sure how he should approach the situation but he was determined it was time to end it. He arrived in around 15 minutes and parked his car on the back. He followed Tiffany's directions and quickly got to the room she had pointed out._

 _He knocked on the door but no sounds where heard from the inside. Maybe Boyle was gone and he wouldn't have to solve this tonight? Maybe he could sleep on it and come up with a better decision? Or maybe he could find someone in the department that would believe him and help put an end to Boyle?_

 _After knocking three times and again, not hearing a thing, he was about to turn around when he decided that he had to be sure that Boyle wasn't in there. Maybe he had left to look for Tiffany elsewhere? Or maybe he was beating another young girl as he stood there thinking? Or maybe he was looking for whoever the cop was that tried to fool him?_

 _Either way he had to put a stop to his actions and the starting point was to figure out if he was inside and if not, to check the room and hopefully find something incriminating that he could take to the higher-ups. Not knowing what was gonna happen or what he would find inside, he decided not to use his badge to ask for a key at the front desk, opting to leave no evidence and picking the lock instead. After all, he was a lawyer and he knew how to protect himself._

 _As soon as he opened the door the smell of alcohol assaulted his senses and his mind was again transported to the past, and to the man he would always associate that smell to… Brandel. He shook his head and stepped into the room. Everything was a mess. A lamp was broken on the floor, the mattress was flipped onto its side, the TV screen was shattered… And at the back, against a wall, he could see the silhouette of Francis Boyle._

 _He wondered if the state of the room and Tiffany's injuries would be enough to send Boyle to jail if he decided to call more cops now. But, considering what happened the previous times he tried to report him, he doubted it, and he couldn't take the chances with Tiffany's life. She had escaped tonight, but she had told him how Boyle's screams and promises of revenge had followed her as she ran away from the hotel and into the street._

 _Deeks took his gun from the back of his pants and slowly walked towards Boyle. He stood looking down at the clearly drunk man. His mind again getting mixed with images of the past and he remembered the night he shot his father. Could he do it again?_

 _He lifted his gun, cocked the hammer and…_

* * *

 _I feel I need to apologize for the point in which I decided to cut this, but believe it or not, it was the point that made the most sense. I wrote all these last 3 chapters as one, but it ended up too long and I decided to divide it. I'm still learning my way through writing fanfiction and if there's a next time, I now know to pay attention to the length in advance. Anyhow, the last chapter is already written and will most likely be updated this Saturday. Thanks as usual for the support, it really means the world to me :)_


	5. Chapter 5

_As promised here is the last part of Gray… I've been known to start a lot of things and never finish any, so I'm happy to have seen this little idea to the end. Thanks so, so much to everyone who has supported this fic in any way, it really means a lot to me, and it's the reason why I even continued to write it. And for one last time, any reviews are much appreciated._

* * *

 _Deeks took his gun from the back of his pants and slowly walked towards Boyle. He stood looking down at the clearly drunk man. His mind again getting mixed with images of the past and he remembered the night he shot his father. Could he do it again?_

 _He lifted his gun, cocked the hammer and…_

-x-x-x-

The tension in the room had gotten to a new high. Every agent stared at the detective with their mouths slightly open, eyes wide, and minds moving faster than ever.

They had known Deeks for 7 years, and during that time, he had ended up saving all of their lives at one point or another. He was a good guy by nature, funny, honest and charismatic. Also, cheeky, irreverent and slightly annoying. But if asked to say one word to describe their friend they would always say _good_.

Still the story they were now hearing left room for other words…

-x-x-x-

 _He couldn't do it… He lowered his gun and pointed it at the ground._

 _He had come from a violent past, but he wasn't a violent man._

 _He had shot his father to save himself and his mother, but he wasn't a murderer._

 _He wanted to help Tiffany, but he wasn't willing to surrender his morals and darken his soul to do it._

 _At that point Boyle woke up and his eyes narrowed on the figure standing in front of him. It was too big to be Tiffany but still the alcohol running through his veins made it hard to confirm. He concentrated and recognized his partner… Martin Deeks. Everything made sense now, and it had to have been Deeks the one who turned internal affairs' radar into him. Maybe he was in on the plan and he was here to arrest him._

" _You here for a second round?" Boyle sneered at the young cop._

 _Deeks took a long breath and kept staring at the poor excuse of a man who was laying on the floor in front of him._

" _You always have something to say and today what? You only here to stare at me from up high? Always thinking you're better than me and having the nerve to try to turn my own police department against me? It is due time someone puts you in your place…" He launched himself at Deeks and both ended up in the ground. The force of the unexpected attack made Deeks' gun fly in the air, eventually landing under a chair, on the other side of the bed._

 _Both men were now struggling on the ground, but no one was definitely winning. Boyle because of the alcohol impairing his senses and Deeks by his own determination not to let the demons out and give in to the violence of his father. It was Boyle who eventually managed to gain the upper hand and he started hitting the detective over and over again in his abdomen and face._

 _Deeks closed his eyes, trying to think of a way to get out this situation without compromising himself, sacrificing Tiffany or forfeiting his own life. He opened his eyes when he heard the distinct sound of a gun being cocked and his blue eyes zeroed on the weapon that Boyle was now pointing at him._

 _For a short moment Deeks was not an adult, lawyer and cop, but a young boy and son scared out of his mind. He had come a long way and he wasn't ready to die now. There was so much more that he needed and wanted to do. So many more people to help. And dreams to achieve._

 _With the last bit of his strength, all the courage from his mother, and violence from his father, he pushed Boyle away from him and, taking advantage of the startled man, was able to take the gun from his hands._

 _He looked down again at his partner… Partner? Was that what a partner was supposed to be like? Sadly he didn't think he was destined to ever find out. The man was clearly disoriented by the combination of the alcohol, Deeks' gaining the upper hand and the slight collision with a table when Deeks had pushed him off his body._

 _The young cop started walking towards the door, stepping over Boyle and kneeling to pick his own gun before returning Boyle his own and eventually leaving this hellhole; determined to find someone willing to listen and end this once and for all._

 _As he walked back towards Boyle, his mind flashed back to various moments in his past…_

 _His father beating on him and his mother, and eventually pointing a shotgun at both of them._

 _The young woman he had defended as a lawyer because she shot her step-father after he had killed her mother in front of her._

 _The body of a young boy that he encountered on one of his first calls as a cop, beaten to death by his own father, after various neighbor calls to the police had resulted in nothing._

 _The young girl currently waiting for him at his home, and who was nearly killed by this so-called cop after no one at his precinct had even considered the truthfulness of his claims._

 _And as he was about to drop Boyle's gun on top of him, his mind flashed forward to an unknown point in the future._

 _His own figure standing in front of a coffin, mourning the death of Tiffany, having been killed by his partner. Or maybe it would be Tiffany the one crying, and looking down at his dead body, again, at the hands of said partner._

 _Over and over again innocent people died because the system had failed them. The world was not perfect and he doubted it would ever be. Someone had to put a stop to it. Somehow things had to get better… And the cycle needed to end..._

 _Deeks took in a deep breath, lifted Boyle's gun, cocked the hammer and shot the bastard near the heart._

 _The young cop's breath started coming in small gasps as the blood began spreading from the wound, coloring Boyle's shirt red and draining the life from his body, and he felt his own breath stop at the precise moment his former partner drew in his last. At that moment, for the first time in his life, he felt like his father, and wondered if maybe it was impossible to run away from the violence and memory of that past. But right now he didn't have time to focus on that…_

 _As a cop, Deeks knew how crime scenes were processed, and as a lawyer, he knew all the ways to incriminate oneself and the only ways to successfully prosecute someone, so he took care of everything around him, making it look as if one of the hookers that Boyle used to beat had shot him with his own gun…_

 _He placed his gun in the waistband of his jeans, stopped to look one more time at the mess of the room and the corpse of Francis Boyle, turned around, and walked out into the hall, closing the door behind him, feeling as if he wasn't alone anymore…_

 _In reality from that day moving forward he wasn't able to be alone ever again. His actions that night gave birth to the demons that had started on his childhood but had never fully formed. His soul would forever be black and he would have to live in darkness, as the only one knowing what had happened and what he had done that night…_

-x-x-x-

Deeks opened his eyes and looked at his teammates in front of him. He was expecting to find disgust, anger and disappointment on their faces; instead he was surprised by the expressions they exhibited.

Callen's showed understanding as if he, himself, had been there before. And given his past, he probably had…

Sam's showed admiration, knowing that it was easy to do the right thing when it came to arresting a criminal or helping a friend, but knowing that the system did failed and sometimes the world needed people willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. After all, Deeks had done what he should have a year ago, if he have had the courage to kill Tahir at his son's military academy, Michelle would be alive today, and he wouldn't be living with so many what ifs…

Kensi's showed only love for the man he was today, sadness for the boy he had been, and anger towards the world that had forced such a good man to make such hard decisions, as shooting his own father or killing his own partner.

"So… that's the story of how I got away with murder…" Now that the hardest part was done, Deeks humor had returned and he was back to relieving the tension with his smartass remarks.

Among the shock of everything that was said in the last hour, and not finding the situation even slightly funny, still all three agents had to laugh at that comment… it was probably just the need to unwind taking over.

It was Callen who eventually brought the conversation back to a serious tone, and before everyone got distracted he decided to ask the last question that was on his mind… "What happened with Tiffany? She must have known you kil… She must have known what happened with Boyle?" He decided to change his question at the end, not wanting to sound accusatory, and just wishing to understand the whole story.

Deeks stood up and started passing a little, he then took in a breath as if preparing himself to return to the painful memories and finally continued, "After that night she finally decided to turn her life around…"

-x-x-x-

 _The drive back to his apartment happened in a blur. He was surprised that he wasn't feeling angry or worried, not even sad or scared, just… numb. He really wasn't feeling much of anything and he just wanted for this day to come to an end._

 _Before going to his apartment he took a small detour to his favorite beach, luckily it was just 5 minutes away so he wouldn't take much time. Getting out of his car he put on a hoodie and decided to walk towards the ocean. The coldness of the water helped calm his thoughts but the feeling of numbness that had enveloped his body after he had pulled the trigger was still there… and it worried him. He thought he was a good man and one destined to be a cop because of his sensibility and ability to feel, but what if killing Boyle had taken that way?_

 _What is a cop without the ability to feel empathy?_

 _What is a lawyer without the ability to feel compassion?_

 _And what is a man without the ability to relate, or even feel anything at all?_

 _He didn't want to dwell on these things now, and he certainly didn't want to question his actions. It was already too late for that. He put on the hood of his sweatshirt and started to cry. He was past the point of caring if anyone saw him, because he was also past his breaking point._

 _When he pulled that trigger, the gun had not only released the bullet that killed Boyle, but also millions of shadows that would forever be a part of him. Still those nightmarish creatures were invisible to everyone but him, and he could still take reigns of his life, and make his days count for the better. Even if at the moment he felt as if he was drowning in a sea of darkness, the person he was deep down was not forfeited for the actions he had taken that day. And he was determined to spend every one of his days trying to make up for the sin committed on this night._

 _He arrived back at his apartment around 20 minutes after he first parked on the beach, surprising himself when he saw his hands were shaking as he tried to open the door. The first thing that he noticed as soon as he was inside the apartment was the lack of any light or sound, and for a moment he panicked, thinking he had taken too long and Tiffany had run away again. His breathing evened when he caught sight of the young girl sleeping on his couch._

 _He walked towards her and was surprised by how young she looked when she was sleeping, in a normal living room, and not behind a dumpster or on a dirty staircase. The sight of Tiffany peacefully sleeping is what finally allowed him to find peace within himself and with the knowledge that thanks to him the world was now rid of another bastard. And because of that many other young girls, like the one currently occupying his coach, would have the opportunity to live and reach their full potential. That thought was the last realization he needed and he was truly content in the knowledge that his actions had surely saved, at least, her life…_

 _Thinking that Tiffany would probably wake up hungry, the young man went to the kitchen and started to cook her a quick meal. His efforts were rewarded a little while later when Tiffany gingerly walked into the kitchen._

" _Hey… are you hungry?"_

" _What happened," this girl, even with her black aye and aching body, was still a fighter and she, as usual, was all business._

" _It doesn't matter, it's over… Now, are you hungry? I made you some pasta." At first he had thought of making a simple sandwich, but pasta was the comfort food used by his mother after a particularly bad beating at the hands of his father so he decided to stick to tradition._

" _How?"_

" _Tiffany, we don't need to talk about it, you don't have to worry about Boyle ever again. Sit down, I'll get a plate ready for you…"_

" _Did you kill him?" The coldness with which she asked the question would have surprised any other man, but not Marty Deeks, as he himself had already been introduced at that age, not only to the concept of death but to the action of pulling a trigger yourself. Still his heart hurt and he felt anger towards the monsters of the world that had stolen the innocence of young boys like he had been and young girls like Tiffany._

 _He thought about lying, but this girl was too smart for that, and he felt like she deserved the truth. He would have usually tried to protect the child and their innocence, but in the case of Tiffany there wasn't really anything to protect, and sadly at her young age, she had already seen a lot more than she should have or deserved._

" _Yes…" his response came in quick and without looking at her directly in the eyes. Instead he busied himself pouring the sauce on the pasta and adding some cheese before serving a plate for him and one for Tiffany._

 _The girl took his response like the truth it was, and she understood the finality of the statement. She went to the fridge and grabbed a beer for him and a juice for her, setting them both on the table, along with some silverware and some napkins… This man had just saved her life, and she at least wanted to feel useful._

 _They ate in silence, each of them concentrating on their own food and not wanting to drag the other to their depressed mood and dark feelings, not knowing, or not wanting to acknowledge, that the other one was feeling the same, or maybe even worse._

 _After all pasta was consumed, including a second serving for the cop and a third for the girl, Deeks decided to address what would happen next._

" _Look Tiffany… I won't give you all the details, but you have to know that what I did today is not okay, and it should never be the first choice… I…"_

 _He was surprised when Tiffany interrupted, not sounding like the girl she was, but like the woman she shouldn't yet be. "Marty… you don't have to explain anything to me… There's nothing to justify… You saved my life and I will forever owe you for that… I don't think I will ever be really able to repay you… But at least I can promise to keep our secret for just… us." By the end of her sentence, there were tears in her eyes and the look on her face only showed the appreciation she felt for this man who without really knowing her had been willing to sacrifice everything to protect her._

 _Deeks took in a few deep breaths to gather his emotions and to fully comprehend what the girl had just said. "Thank you…"_

 _Tiffany stood up from the chair and walked towards Marty, throwing her arms around him and hugging him tightly. The young man was first startled by her actions but quickly recovered and hugged her back, knowing that at that precise moment a bond stronger than most had just been forged in front of their eyes._

 _After they parted ways and Tiffany started to clean up the table, Deeks walked to his room and took a card and brochure. One he had been saving for a long time._

 _He called Tiffany to the living room and sat with her on the couch in which she had previously been sleeping on._

" _Tiffany… you need to leave this life behind… I won't be able to always protect you… Today was Boyle but tomorrow it could be someone else… I…"_

 _Again she interrupted, sounding even more sure and certain than he did, "I know, I already took that decision after I managed to run away from that hotel, and knowing what you did, and that he won't come after me, I want to use the life you gave me for something better…"_

 _The feeling of pride starting in the young man's heart was like none other, and again, he knew he had taken the right choice, even if it would continue to haunt him for who knew how many more years._

" _I'm happy to hear that… You're gonna stay here this weekend, and on Monday I will take you to a different shelter. That one… I know from personal experience not work… Here's the card of someone that works there, if you tell her you know Martin Brandel she will help and give you everything you need to get back on your feet… And here's a brochure of a technical college were you could take classes if you want… you know… to have a better… career. They even have classes to make up for high school if you didn't finish it so you can eventually take college level ones…" He wanted to keep saying more, to keep encouraging her and show her the light at the end of the tunnel, but he also didn't want to overwhelm her, and felt that was enough information for one night._

 _They eventually felt asleep together on the coach, Deeks like the older brother Tiffany never had to protect her, and Tiffany like the younger sister Deeks never had to keep him innocent. They spent the rest of the weekend together, not ever speaking about Boyle again, only about what each of them wanted to do with their lives. They researched some more about possible programs Tiffany could complete to get a better job and took the rest of the time to just watch some TV and enjoy a normal day._

 _When Monday came, Deeks drove her to the new shelter before going into work, knowing what the atmosphere in his district would probably be like and trying to prepare to face the questions and stick to the story he and Tiffany had agreed on the night before. When Tiffany got out of the car she promised to stay in the right path and to call him regularly, while Deeks promised that he would support her in whatever she needed as long as she never decided to return back to her previous life…_

-x-x-x-

"That's how you ended up sending her money?" Kensi hated to ask the question, but she just needed to be sure.

"Yes, she went to the shelter and as promised never returned to the streets. She started studying and trying to build a life and name for herself, but with her record and personal and family past it was difficult so I helped her out…" Deeks sounded unsure, as if maybe he was questioning if all his actions in regards to Boyle and Tiffany had been the right ones. Ultimately, Tiffany and the money weren't the biggest of his problems, it was the fact he had murdered Boyle… "You guys saw Tiffany when you questioned her, she's doing better… and what I did that night, even if maybe not totally right, is what gave her that chance…" He wasn't totally sure if he was trying to convince them… or himself… And even with all the right words he had just said, and seeing the understanding in his friends' eyes he felt that he needed to add two more words… "I'm sorry…" He looked down and waited for them to say something.

The three agents looked at each other, silently asking who was going to say the first thing. It was Sam who eventually took charge and started to set him friend's mind straight. "Thanks for trusting us brother, I won't get into judging or thinking what I would have done… You were the only one who lived through it and you did what you saw as the only way of stopping Boyle… A decision that I wished I had also taken in the past…" The admission was unusual for Sam, but they all knew what he was referring to, and all their hearts collective hurt at the memory. Before anyone could comment on that last remark, Sam continued on his previous train of thought… "And ultimately, I know the Deeks you're today and I have seen first-hand all the things you do to make this world a better place… So I'm taking what you did back then as just another one of those sacrifices…"

At the word sacrifice both men flashed back to a dirty auto shop and all the sacrifices and loses that happened there. Those were the things that mattered, the ones that defined a person and determined what color his or her soul really was.

"Thanks Sam…" Deeks was feeling emotionally tired and wasn't able to respond with a lot more.

"I get it, man" Now it was time for Callen to add his opinion, as team leader he felt that he needed to say something. "I understand where you're coming from, I can't say I would have done the same thing, but that doesn't matter, because I can't guarantee I could have acted any better…"

There was silence in the room then, each man and woman lost in their own thoughts and imagining what would it feel to be put in such position. Neither of them could come up with a textbook approach, a foolproof response or a perfect solution. They all had been there before, not in that particular moment, but forced to make a tough decision without much time to think about it and none of them could fault their teammate for the way he had reacted.

"You already know how I feel baby… and I can show it to you later tonight" She said the last part with a wink, ignoring the grunts coming from the senior partners. Continuing in a more serious tone, "you were protecting Tiffany and every other girl that Boyle would have continued to beat up, because from what I know of the man, he wasn't going to stop… You saved her and she's doing better now, all thanks to you."

Deeks heart felt full from his team's support and he again wondered how he had gotten so lucky as to have these people in his life. "Thanks to all of you… I… I… have lived with that decision inside of me for a long time. I did what at the time I thought was the only solution, and every day after that I have continued to dedicate myself to bringing down bad guys and making sure the system doesn't continue to fail more innocent people… Maybe today I would have been able to come up with a better answer but… at the time that was the best I could do, and I have had to live with that for a long time… At least now, the knowledge is not only mine…"

"You don't have to justify yourself man, we all understand and we have your back…" It was Sam who started talking, but Callen who completed the thought, "…Against the bad guys as you like to call them, or Whiting, Bates, or anyone at LAPD, against Mosley or anyone at NCIS…" Now it was Kensi who decided to continue, "…We're a team, we know each other better than anyone, including our darkest secrets and fears… And when all is said and done we're the only ones who really have each other's backs, because we're the only ones who truly understand…"

On an uncharacteristic action, Sam stood up and hugged Deeks, Kensi then joined and Callen eventually followed. It lasted only 5 seconds and if asked later they would all deny it, but the previous hours have brought this family even closer together and they all felt the proximity was somehow needed.

The guys stayed for 20 more minutes, drinking some more beers and talking about anything other than Boyle, guns or the past. They decided to grab some brunch together on Saturday and then go together to help Sam work on the boat. As the previous time the subject was brought up the senior team member declined, not wanting to bother his teammates on their free day, but everyone still wanted to help. Tonight they had chased Deeks' demons away, and tomorrow they would do the same for Sam. And the day after, they would do it for any team member that needed the help. They were a family and they would always be ready to be the shield, armor or weapon for any of them who found themselves in need.

-x-x-x-

After the two senior agents left, the woman with the mismatched-eyes silently stood up and went to the blonde man, gathering him in her arms and kissing him passionately. They stayed that way for some time, holding each other, and both enjoying the proximity to the person that meant the most in each of their lives. They eventually left the couch, turn off the lights and went into their room.

The door was closed, leaving what was about to happen inside for only the knowledge and enjoyment of the young couple involved. Eventually, after some time of relieving their tension and stress in that especial way they both loved, both man and woman drifted into sleep. The last thought on both their minds was that together they could beat anything. And together no longer meant just the two of them, but now, officially, included their two senior teammates as well.

-x-x-x-

In the past seven years the blonde man had managed to find the balance, stability and structure he had been missing his whole life and that ultimately became his savior and safe haven. But still occasionally that perfect arrangement wavered and he started feeling unbalanced. There's nothing he hated more than losing control… Seeing his life spiral out of order while he could only watch as a spectator… It usually started as a mere discomfort, but then it became worst and he could see the threats breaking, the blocks moving and the building crashing. Then came the nights when he couldn't control his demons and he was enveloped in shadows… Nights in which he just grabbed some headphones and cried, the sound of the music providing his only comfort and escape from his own sobs. It never lasted the same amount of time, and it never ended in the same way; but, ultimately, deep down he knew the day would come and the light would shine again. But, on those moments where he lost control he could only see the darkness and the pieces of his life falling into an infinite void. Never knowing if he would return the same way, with all the pieces still intact or some primal part of him would be forever lost.

Those moments, like the past week had proved, still came for the detective, but had become less common with the addition of a permanent and infinite source of light into his life. That light came in the form of NCIS, and his team: Hetty, the motherly figure and his first savior… Owen, a man who came and went, but whom embodied loyalty until his last breath… Callen, a man who came from nothing, but like him, constantly rose from the ashes… Sam, whom became somewhat of the brother he never had, but had always needed… Eric, the only man who understood his connection and love for the ocean… Nell, forever the Velma to his Shaggy… And Kensi… Oh Kensi… The partner he loved more than life itself, the friend for whom he constantly fought to come back from the edge, and the girlfriend he wanted to spend the rest of whatever time he had left with.

It was not a secret that the young man never thought he needed saving, but more importantly, he never believed he deserved it in the first place. But life had an ironic way of working and sometimes the light came from the unlikeliest of sources. He had always described himself as an outsider, a lost human and a black soul. But these seven people made him belong, they drew a path for him, and added white and color to his world. Ultimately, no matter what he had done in the past or what he would do in the future, as long as he kept close to this group of people, they would forever keep the darkness at bay, they would keep helping him slay his demons and they would forever keep him a nice shade of Gray...

* * *

 _If you got to this point, THANK YOU! When I wrote Gray part 1, I wasn't really confident in my writing and doubted anyone would even like it, and I truly intended for it to be a one-shot and probably my only fic, but it somehow grew into a 5-part sort of backstory into my favorite detective. I love NCISLA, writing about it and reading feedback about said writing, so I plan to continue giving this a try and hoping for the best. Whatever happens next I'm glad I managed to complete this story and I really appreciate anyone that read until the end and showed me their support along the way._


End file.
